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For those who might have missed his link, Phargle just posted a parody of the Matilda-Osbern balcony fight in his AAR! See his post for the link.
His version of the kiss is awesome. :rofl:
His version of the kiss is awesome. :rofl:
You promised me a massive post, this is a tad short to count as massive 
Edit: ah I see you have pasted two updates together, that's one way to get it massive :rofl:
Edit: ah I see you have pasted two updates together, that's one way to get it massive :rofl:
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Somebody Is Going To Bang On This Lid And Tell Me To Come Out
Late Winter, 1085 - Mediterranean Sea
Robert stood on the raft, rocked by waves, his eyes wide. He had not killed the shark...God had intervened. Had answered his prayers. Well...one of them at least. The Captain was still...
Humphrey coughed, spitting up sea water. His wet hair clung to his ashen face, his lips a frightening shade of blue. Struggling for air, he tried to sit up, but found it too painful.
"Captain! You're alive!"
"I am, child..." Humphrey's shaky voice trailed off as his blood-shot eyes finally focused on the floating shark with the sword sticking out. "...And I would have you to thank for it, I presume."
"Luck, Captain."
"There is no luck, young Robert. Only fate. And God's will."
"I can accept that it was God's will that we survive, Captain. But to what end?"
"The crusade to Jerusalem, boy! The crusade to Jerusalem!"
"The crusade? Even if we do survive on this raft long enough to find rescue, surely we can not continue our journey. We lost every man on that ship...nearly half of our forces. We must turn back for Guines, Captain."
Humphrey glared at the child, barely in his thirteenth year. "You try to turn my men back to France, you will have to kill me like you did that sea dog. Though you'll find I'm far more fierce. Do not forget that I have taught you all that you know, young Robert."
"Captain...you can not possibly be serious. How will you lead the men? You haven't a leg."
"I...what?"
The captain raised his neck just far enough to see his one foot.
"God Almighty! That sea dog has eaten my leg!"
"It was some sort of ball, Captain. The pirates were throwing them from their ship, and one tore off your leg. I'm very sorry."
The captain laid back on the raft, taking it all in. Then:
"What of the sea dog?"
"The sea dog, Captain? What of it?"
"How did it come to find my sword in it's eye?"
"It knocked us from the raft and we were sinking. I had your sword...but then I found you, and I couldn't lift both. I dropped the sword. It sank quickly...but I imagine the dog must have been right beneath us, and the sword pierced his eye."
Humphrey nodded. "Tis God's will, then."
"Aye."
"No, not just the sea dog. This whole thing. The whole trip. Don't you see? Pirates? A fire? A sea dog? And yet, here we are, still alive. It is God's will that we take Jerusalem."
"I also saw a man appear out of the air. He saved my life...and then he was gone again. A man darker than the darkest Muslim."
"An angel, no doubt. Then it is settled. We press to Jerusalem."
"Press, Captain? We are but two men, unarmed, on a raft. We will never reach Jerusalem. We will be lucky to reach any land at all."
"After you have come this far, young Robert...after all you have seen today...you still doubt God's will?"
"No, Captain. You know that I never have."
"Then we remain strong. And God will provide."
"And until then?"
The captain dropped his cupped hand into the sea, and made a digging motion.
"We paddle."
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@Slinky: Ha, sorry about that. Not sure why it posted while I was still writing it. Although the "finished" post is also not quite as massive as promised. I'm going to post another two parts today, which should get us caught up to where we need to be.
Is Robert not going to retrieve his sword? It is still floating about and there might be more sharks or pirates out there
there'd better die someone in the next update! Else I will be outraged!
Must admit you're quite good at writing dialogue. But some more description would certainly be nice.
Must admit you're quite good at writing dialogue. But some more description would certainly be nice.
HEY! No honest criticism allowed!
BANISH-ED!
Hehe. Just kidding. You're right, I have a lot more fun with the dialogue, gotta work on the descriptions.
But you aren't even reading this...because you've been BANISH-ED!
:rofl:
BANISH-ED!
Hehe. Just kidding. You're right, I have a lot more fun with the dialogue, gotta work on the descriptions.
But you aren't even reading this...because you've been BANISH-ED!
:rofl:
Hooray, dialogue!
Boo, unnecessary descriptions!
Hooray, lunatic one-legged captains!
Boo, whiny kids from Guines!
Boo, unnecessary descriptions!
Hooray, lunatic one-legged captains!
Boo, whiny kids from Guines!
So, the guy's lost his leg, and all Robert can say is "I'm very sorry"? Whoa, that kid's naive...... And I disagree with Qorten. Somebody died - indeed, lots of people. The rest of the people on the ship, who didn't find a raft, are probably drowning or being ripped to pieces by other sharks right while that scene is taking place! :rofl: And where's the Johann Braun-Kennedy bit?
BTW.... How did he get that name? Did Eva Braun secretly marry John F. Kennedy after her faked suicide in WWII?
And I disagree with Qorten. Somebody died - indeed, lots of people. The rest of the people on the ship, who didn't find a raft, are probably drowning or being ripped to pieces by other sharks right while that scene is taking place! :rofl: And where's the Johann Braun-Kennedy bit?BTW.... How did he get that name? Did Eva Braun secretly marry John F. Kennedy after her faked suicide in WWII?
Hmmm, I guess LordCowles is right about the people dying. Still leaves the description bit though!
Slinky said:Ssssh, quiet. I can hear an update approaching
Really, I can hear nothing yet.
Oh wait. Yes, you may be right. I hear the faint sound of words being typed, only needed to be copy-pasted and posted here.
@ Qorten: Copy-pasted? Pffft. I write it right here, and hit "submit" without bothering to proof read. This is a clear sign that I am the best AuthAAR ever.
@Slinky: I believe you heard yourself sending me the latest update to your piece of this AAR...which I've just now received, and as always, it is fantastic. Not as fantastic as me, you understand, but an acceptable substitute. Like margarine. "I can't believe it's not Actinguy!" :rofl:
@LordCowles: The name Johann Braun just came to me when I wrote the first post, sitting in the LAX airport, waiting for my plane. But it sounded too German, and I wanted to make it clear that he was American, born and raised...so what better way to say "American" than to add "Kennedy" to his name? Juvenal Quentis, on the other hand, was the product of a name generator...and is possibly the greatest name ever. In fact, I had no intention of actually having the time-traveller in my story...he was just going to be someone who had died in the first experiment...until I saw that name, and knew I couldn't bare to kill him off so quickly. As for when Braun-Kennedy will be making an appearance...we still have to wrap up the "she'll kill them all" storyline first. Probably in a week or two.
@Phargle: Hurray, Phargle! Boo, Qorten!
@Slinky: I believe you heard yourself sending me the latest update to your piece of this AAR...which I've just now received, and as always, it is fantastic. Not as fantastic as me, you understand, but an acceptable substitute. Like margarine. "I can't believe it's not Actinguy!" :rofl:
@LordCowles: The name Johann Braun just came to me when I wrote the first post, sitting in the LAX airport, waiting for my plane. But it sounded too German, and I wanted to make it clear that he was American, born and raised...so what better way to say "American" than to add "Kennedy" to his name?
Juvenal Quentis, on the other hand, was the product of a name generator...and is possibly the greatest name ever. In fact, I had no intention of actually having the time-traveller in my story...he was just going to be someone who had died in the first experiment...until I saw that name, and knew I couldn't bare to kill him off so quickly. As for when Braun-Kennedy will be making an appearance...we still have to wrap up the "she'll kill them all" storyline first. Probably in a week or two.@Phargle: Hurray, Phargle! Boo, Qorten!
Late Winter, 1085 - Mediterranean Sea
"This isn't working."
"Patience."
"We're going backwards."
"We're going where God takes us."
"We're going where the tide takes us."
"You suggest the tide is out of God's control?"
"Well...no...but..."
Robert's words were cut short as their make-shift ramp slammed into the side of the wooden hull of the pirate's ship. They both looked up...but there was nothing to see. No way to climb up, and of course nobody on deck eager to assist them.
"There! There, ye of little faith! God has provided us with a new ship!"
"With no way to board it, Captain. I don't understand what He has..."
Robert felt something hard and metallic graze his forehead. He turned, ready for yet another battle...only to realize his head had brushed against the chain of the pirate's anchor.
"And you continue to doubt?"
Robert could hardly disagree, of course. He helped the Captain up, and together, they hobbled over to the chain.
"I'll go first, Captain. There could be more pirates aboard. And with your leg, you're in no position to fight."
"Don't be a fool, young Robert. With no sword, you're in no better position than I."
"If we need a sword, God will provide one."
"That he will, boy. That he will."
Humphrey smiled, and then sat back on the raft, freeing Robert to begin climbing the chain. Once he was half way, Humphrey pulled himself up and tried to climb the chain as well...only to make it two links before falling again.
"Captain!"
"It's no use...I can't climb without my leg. I haven't the strength."
"God will provide you with the strength."
"I fear God's plans for the future only include you, boy."
"Don't give up! Hold on! When I get to the top, I'll find a way to pull the anchor up. You just hold on to that chain."
And with that, Robert continued up the chain...
...sneaking onto a pirate ship...
...unarmed...
...alone...
...and wearing only a pair of braies.
"This isn't working."
"Patience."
"We're going backwards."
"We're going where God takes us."
"We're going where the tide takes us."
"You suggest the tide is out of God's control?"
"Well...no...but..."
Robert's words were cut short as their make-shift ramp slammed into the side of the wooden hull of the pirate's ship. They both looked up...but there was nothing to see. No way to climb up, and of course nobody on deck eager to assist them.
"There! There, ye of little faith! God has provided us with a new ship!"
"With no way to board it, Captain. I don't understand what He has..."
Robert felt something hard and metallic graze his forehead. He turned, ready for yet another battle...only to realize his head had brushed against the chain of the pirate's anchor.
"And you continue to doubt?"
Robert could hardly disagree, of course. He helped the Captain up, and together, they hobbled over to the chain.
"I'll go first, Captain. There could be more pirates aboard. And with your leg, you're in no position to fight."
"Don't be a fool, young Robert. With no sword, you're in no better position than I."
"If we need a sword, God will provide one."
"That he will, boy. That he will."
Humphrey smiled, and then sat back on the raft, freeing Robert to begin climbing the chain. Once he was half way, Humphrey pulled himself up and tried to climb the chain as well...only to make it two links before falling again.
"Captain!"
"It's no use...I can't climb without my leg. I haven't the strength."
"God will provide you with the strength."
"I fear God's plans for the future only include you, boy."
"Don't give up! Hold on! When I get to the top, I'll find a way to pull the anchor up. You just hold on to that chain."
And with that, Robert continued up the chain...
...sneaking onto a pirate ship...
...unarmed...
...alone...
...and wearing only a pair of braies.
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