The Gallant Giants of Gaul-Fighting Back Against Rome

[Darkwind3.0]

The Gallant Giants of Gaul-A Celtic AAR

"People of Parisii, I welcome you today. My countrymen, my friends, my former enemies, all are gathered here today to remember many things. We must remember those who died in these recent wars. We must remember those killed by the ruthless tribes who have tried to take our land from us. We must remember, certainly, those poor souls caught loyally defending their king in our civil war. But, most of all, we must remember this: The times are changing.

"Iccius Divicid--who I hope you all know--was first to realize this, and first to dream of unifying Gaul. He set the foundation for the united tribes we see today. He unified the tribes, and we loved him, and then we hated him, for he pushed our people too far in the war against the vast Lemovices. Iccius Divicid, may he rest peacefully for all the good he did Gaul, pushed his greatest generals, including me, to civil war. Realizing the hopelessness of fighting his own people to the last man, he simply let his loyalists disperse and waited. Iccius Divicid died on his wooden throne, my sword thrust through his heart.

"To help bring his spirit to rest, I have completed his goal. Gaul is unified. We are gathered here today, people of Parisii, to signify that. Gaul is unified--the bickering tribes are unified behind one banner--a new power has been born to fight Rome in its everlasting search to destroy that which it does not know, the cultures of our countless tribes and people. I have brought you here to remember and look towards the future--and I have seen the future.

"Five hundred years after the beginning of Rome, our greatest rival, it shall be known throughout history that Gaul was united, and one Gallic nation has taken the place of many."
-Boio Iacid, January 1 500 AUC
---

FOR CLARIFICATION
This is a comedy AAR. If you want more poorly-written but serious speeches such as the one above, look further. If you want constant rebellions, prestige measured by beards, and corn imports from the Aztecs, here they are. We also have storks and Tibet.​

This is, well, a Gaul AAR--I was inspired by the llergetan AAR to play Atrebates, which inspired me to go slightly south and try to unify Gaul (I'm using the hotfix mod though, because I swear if I get another Clan Chief who complains about his nonexistent relatives having no jobs, I will tear my eyes out. Seriously, I'll give your kids a job as bodyguard if you're fertile enough to make any and smart enough not to accidentally wash them with their clothes). It worked, and interestingly Atrebates was the last tribe brought into the fold. Anyways, I decided to skip the unification and get straight into the action--this isn't about how Parisii unified Gaul, this is about what happens afterwards. Thus, several interesting things have happened that haven't (or maybe have) in history. The map:

Some of the more interesting things:
-Parthia exists, and in fact the Seleucids seem rather unstable, dropping off minors left and right. It's actually been there for a while. They've actually taken advantage of a couple of civil wars, though nothing came of it.
-Cyrenaica exists. It's actually Greek, though most of the country is Egyptian.
-Gaul is, obviously, unified. I'm not considering Helvetii or Eburones part of Gaul, though they likely will be eventually.

So, my goals for this AAR:
-Promote the Druidic religion. This means crusades and jihads against those filthy infidel Hellenic pantheons.
-Promote the Celtic culture. This means colonizing, colonizing, and more colonizing. I plan to be the Pagan Rome, if I can get my way.
-Promote Pagan religion in general. So, I'll try to assist the Iberians, Dacians and Illyrians if possible.
-Failing all else, sack Rome. Actually, I might sack Rome anyways for the fun of it. We ARE descended from barbarians, after all

So, now that I'm finished, any questions? I'll post a brief history of the uniting of Gaul if anyone wants to know.

Suggestions would be useful as well. I've literally just entered 500 AD, and haven't gone beyond unification. I'll probably lay low and turbo-speed to 50 civilization to begin colonization and become a military republic. Any idea for where to go after (or instead of) that?
EDIT: One last thing. Any suggestions for army names? I already have the Gallant Gallic Giants (note to self: change Paltry Parisian Peasants to Gallant Gallic Giants). If there are no suggestions, I'm going to be making up things and making references to books, and believe me, no one wants the Nasty Nervii Gnats (though some might want the Brotherhood Without Banners).

The Chapters:
I:Rebels, Barbarians, and the Proto-British
II:Gaul Grows Great, including Sons of Our Fathers and The World Today
III:Stability, Colonies, and Building
IV:The Senate Has No Beard
V:Peasants Vs Barbarians, Round 1
VI:Forty Thousand Roman Soldiers on the Ground, Forty Thousand Roman Soldiers... with guest speaker Orgetorix "Orgy Elitovid", and including The World Today
VII:Nothing Much Happens, with a segment on Demographics
VIII:Things Happen, including The World Today, and with uninvited guest(ghost) speaker Orgetorix Elitovid
IX: Manifest Destiny, including a small vote
X: The Ultimate Showdown, parts one, two and three. Including segments on The Vote and The Military and a short story, as well as guest speaker Galan Elitovid. (for all of you wondering, each of those words is indeed a separate link)

I'm attempting a weekly schedule (do the game on Friday, write it up on Saturday). This does not necessarily work because I fail at keeping deadlines. I have been known to post updates on Wednesday or Thursday.

IMPORTANT
Unfortunately, the AAR is dead. Rome hates me. I don't know why. I can't figure it out. Anyways, thanks for all the support, everyone! I could have done it without you, but let's be honest, I wouldn't have. Thank you, and good night (or evening, or morning)!​

 

[Hannibal X]

Wait until Rome is fighting Carthage, then go in and kill some Romans! (and ally Carthage- with them uncontested for Spain, an alliance protects the southeast flank and Mediterranean.

Interesting concept.

 

[Darkwind3.0]

Hannibal X: If anything, I want Carthage constantly at each other's throats, not united under one banner. That way, I can build up and let my bearded hordes sweep through Rome.

REBELS, BARBARIANS, AND THE PROTO-BRITISH
Or, an account of the numerous rebellions of Gaul and the War With the British Horde

The first act Boio Iacid did as Chief of Gaul was to offer an alliance with Helvetii. The semi-Celts counter-offered with Trade Access. He accepted and, unperturbed, pestered the Helvetii until they agreed to an alliance.

Boio's second act was to wet himself when thousands of barbarians rose up all over Gaul. His third was to pull himself together and ride off to face the barbarian hordes attacking his large, unstable tribe.

Boio Iacid's final act as Chief of Gaul was to gurgle somewhat pitifully as a barbarian drew its hairy sword out of his throat. Barely more than a year after uniting Gaul, Boio died and ushered in Indutiomarus Marganid, commonly called 'Badateverythingbutconvincingpeopletodothings', or 'Bae' for short*, whose first act was to tell someone else to go get men to kill those who had so ruthlessly murdered the only man keeping Bae from becoming Chief. They did.

This continued for quite a while, with occasional interruptions wherein the bearded barbarian bands would defeat the heroic horsemen allied to Helvetii, to later be defeated by the pent-up Parisii peasantry. It continued roughly until Catuvellauni (often referred to by the syllable-impaired Gallic people as Catu), a British tribe, was overrun by a barbarian horde who promptly declared war on Gaul in August of 501. Thus, Bae's second distinct act as Chief of Gaul was to wet his pants when forty-seven thousand regiments were sighted in Catu's province. His third was to tell someone to pull him together and then defend Atrebates from the be-monocled hordes.

The Gallic forces retreated, with the Catu hot on their tails. After both sides settled down on their respective sides of the sea, the war entered a long bloodless period. Well, not really bloodless. You see, Gaul had rebel problems.

Lots of rebel problems. This was due to stability, from the numerous wars, and war exhaustion, also from the numerous wars. Catuvellauni was not helping at all, and actually began a "Rebel Golden Age".

Bae managed to realize that the rebels were going to destroy his tribe if he didn't stop them. Thus, he ordered a full-scale assault on the huge Catuvellauni stack, taking effort to kill their leader before the battle.

He went through all of this trouble to find out later that the Catuvellauni army had dwindled to five thousand soldiers, who somehow still defeated an army of twice their number under a much better general. Fortunately for Cingetorix 'Better Than Boio' Marganid, he inflicted heavy casualties on the Catuvellauni. The now significantly weakened Monocle Horde retreated with their proverbial tails between their literal legs.

Cingetorix doubled back to destroy the rebellious menace and returned to the front in time to rendezvous with the militia and begin an expedition into Britain. The Catuvellauni ran, again. He settled in for a siege and, after a year of complete boredom, finally snapped and assaulted the defenders. They also ran, perhaps finally freed of the influence of the dangerous monocle. Thus, the menace was destroyed and could be dealt with once and for all.

Of course, Bae had roughly the backbone of a heartworm and thus turned to his clan chiefs for advice.

*I couldn't bother to look his name up at the time, and 'Bae' is so much easier to remember than 'Indutiomarus'.
---
So. Annex Catu and hope monocles do not again take control of yet more innocent Celts and force them to go on a murderous rampage? Or force them to pay tribute and bleed the Catuvellauni dry? Or take some unknown third option?

 

[comagoosie]

I can't wait for the epic showdown between you and Rome

 

[Lofman]

Force them to pay tribute I say, I think another rebellious province is not something you really need, especially not when it is disconnected from the rest of your provinces. Restoring the stability would probably be the most important thing to do. Looking forward for when the brave Gallic warriors pays the Roman barbarians a visit.

 

[Enewald]

Against Rome you shall try, one survive shall while the other bloodied for the loss mourns.

 

[Darkwind3.0]

I don't want to be a tease, but since I haven't finished my next entry even now, I'll post a bit.

Bae is dead. The next guy is a pious guy with high martial. After him is Cingetorix, who you all know as the guy who defeated Catuvellauni (he's an excellent general, with 7 even after the -3 from being crippled). By the way, guy #2, Dubnovellaunus, created a council of druids on his death bed. I have 49.7 civilization in Parisii and Cingetorix has finesse eleven.

I've started a war with the Roman Rebels (heck yeah) and they're ignoring me. I may take Liguria.

This is going better than I expected.

 

[Darkwind3.0]

Gaul Grows Great (including mini-updates Sons of Our Fathers and The World Today)

@comagoosie: Neither can I. Though, Rome may fall apart before that happens, due to recent events.
@Lofman: THANK YOU. I just needed someone to chime in on the tribute subject. As to stability, I tend not to care about stability as a lowly tribe. Generally I wait for a pious chief to come along so I can institute the druids and then tell them to get out because this is a republic now. Very successful tactic, I find.
@Enewald: Speak Yoda-like do you, yet prophetic in many ways you are. And by the way, it seems Rome is the one bloodied (though less "bloodied" and more "caught a cold and sneezed so much it got a nose bleed").

Gaul Grows Great
Or, an account of Gaul from the defeat of the Monocle Horde to the beginning of the Military Republic of Gaul

An awkward silence filled the tent as Bae's chiefs stared at him. They continued staring somewhat incredulously at the poorly-qualified chief, who had by that point decided to look to himself for advice. Thus, he went on an intense journey of self-discovery and spiritual renewal. This journey looked suspiciously like a spreadsheet detailing everything Bae knew of himself so far.

He was not a very well-liked man. Nor was he very fit or smart, he simply knew how to tell people to like him, which he was also rather bad at by this point; far-away China had instituted a tradition of emperors spitting on an image of his face when being crowned as a sign of disrespect, and also to try and relieve the very painful symptoms of their mercury-high Alchemists' Diet (gain immortality fast and easy, with no work!). However, he did have some good qualities; he was an honest, intelligent man, though an honest and intelligent man who tended towards jealousy of others' popularity and who was constantly stressed at the thought of keeping together the tribe Boio Iacid had left him. He noted that he did not have a small "no backbone" icon, and thus did, in fact, have a backbone.

Refreshed by this inner journey and the discovery of his basic skeletal structure, Bae finally stood up and said, "I have a plan. We shall--"

"--force the Catuvellauni to pay tribute, Bae, that is what we shall do." One of his clan chiefs interrupted him.

"My name is Indutiomarus Marganid, you beardless coward! Stop calling me Bae!" Indutiomarus, a new man, stormed out of the tent, leaving the confused chiefs to talk among themselves*. Word spread quickly afterwords that the old Chief Bae was dead, and a new man had taken his place, Indutiomarus Marganid. Most Gauls took this at face value and mourned the appearance of a backbone in Indutiomarus (quickly shortened to Indie by the citizenry).

Meanwhile Indie wrote a nice letter to the Chief of Catuvellauni explaining that if we would kindly begin sending large bags of gold Gaul's way every month, that would be very nice and his wife would not have to be given over to the army.

He eagerly accepted.

Meanwhile, revolt was everywhere. It was considered a coming-of-age ceremony to gather in large, leaderless warbands and go pillaging your home province, and an honor to be cut down by huge armies of horsemen commanded by men such as Ariovistus of Cingetorix. Though this war weariness would decrease with time, it was never fully removed.

A collage of only some of the rebellions faced during this ten-year period. One good thing about negative stability is that, if your ruler is decent at fighting, his popularity skyrockets. Indie has the fighting capabilities of a young girl with advanced stages of neural degeneration.
Indie's first major order of business was to overhaul the army. The old "archer-militia" pair was replaced with an "archer-heavy infantry" pair, as well as the standard horde of bloodthirsty cavalry. He then decided to continue these military reforms by examining Cingetorix Iacid, the rising star in Gaul, who also happened to wish very much to disembowel the reigning chief Indie.

Cingetorix Iacid had been mostly unknown in the days of Parisii. He was only distinguished as being the man who fought Boio Iacid in the only field battle of the Parisian Civil War, which he lost. Cingetorix was stripped of command, his men disbanded, and Chief Iccius the Hated waited his doom with almost no one by the side, even encouraging people to leave for the rebels. But Cingetorix stayed by his king's side as his tribes left him, his only loyal commander. Only when the then-rising star of Parisii, Boio Iacid, presented the head of his sovereign to Cingetorix did he swear allegiance to the new order.

Cingetorix hated Boio Iacid and the new government, feeling that he was entitled to leadership as one of the few loyalists. As Boio Iacid was gutted before Cingetorix could gut him himself, Cingetorix moved his hatred to Indie, the new leader. He had been one of Indie's most vocal enemies even while he was distinguishing himself as Gaul's brightest commander, inflicting massive casualties on enemy forces even though he had been forced to cross the English Channel to fight them. Thus, he was given a national holiday to appease his lowering loyalty and keep Gaul's brightest commander as Gaul's brightest commander, not its worst enemy.

Two years later, Cingetorix would repay this kindness by becoming Indie's, not Gaul's, worst enemy, perhaps jealous of Ariovistus Elitovid, who was showered with praise for defeating the 18000-man string Autrigoni tribe and enslaving them due to being positioned in the south by Indie's orders. Cingetorix had at that point become too disloyal; Indie himself was placed as General of the Paltry Parisian Peasants, while Cingetorix became High Priest. He soon afterwords announced that he had seen the truth--the gods hated Indutiomarus Marganid with emotion unmatched by even the saddest of puppy eyes. They hated him so much it moved statues to tears.

Soon afterwords, Indutiomarus died, broken and unbeloved. In his place, Dubnovellaunus Galbid, a refugee from Atrebates, ascended to Chief of Gaul. He was beloved by all and an excellent warrior as well. He continued his predecessor's policies of staying at peace and advancing for six rather peaceful years, before the Roman Civil War.

Eager to secure Liguria and thus France, Dubby (as the Gallic people dubbed him) declared war on the Rebels. He moved in the entire army, commanding the Parisian Peasants (also known as the Cavalry Regiment) himself. His second act as Chief of a Gaul at war was to wet himself, as his predecessors before him had, when he saw the size of the armies the Romans were throwing around.

Said armies utterly ignored the Gallic force sieging Liguria, allowing the siege to be won several months later. In the meantime, however, Dubby Galbid died. On his deathbed, he told his men to enact what he had not had time to do as Chief: bring the Druids into his council and allow them say in what to do. The knowledge that men with large, prestigious beards were now always present to advise the new Chief made the people much more content.

Interestingly, this new Chief was old Cingetorix Iacid, who had always wanted to rule Gaul. He allegedly celebrated by drinking himself into a stupor, as Cingetorix hated men with large, prestigious beards (he could not grow one himself).

When he was finally sober enough to deal with matters of state, he demanded Liguria from the Roman Rebels. They gladly complied.

A few months later, Cingetorix attended the first Druid Council since he had come to power. He then promptly forced them out of the premises with several escorts of loyal soldiers and confiscated the area for a relatively beardless Senate. He then declared that Gaul was now not a number of loosely-knit tribes, but a singular Republic.

SONS OF OUR FATHERS
I'm going to take some time to examine the sons of famous rulers of Gaul, just because I can.

First, Iccius Divicid--the Conqueror. He was apparently too busy conquering to give his wife a boy--instead, he had two girls. One died before being married, the other married a practically unknown Marganid. His oldest child, a 14-year-old, takes much after his grandfather in that he is average.

Boio Iacid's son, Buite, has recently taken up a prestigious position cowering in the governor's mansion in Liguria and hoping the Romans don't break down the door.

Indutiomarus named his son Boiorix, presumably after both Boio Iacid and Cingetorix Iacid, two famous conquerors in Gaul (who you should hopefully know). He took after them, becoming a Martial-10, Intelligent commander at age 10. I foresee a long and prosperous career for the son of one of the most hated men in recent history.

Dubnovellaunus has no children in Gaul. Both of his fled to Siluri, in modern-day Wales. His son is apparently a reasonably successful general, however.

Cingetorix's son Correus is a very charismatic person. However, he is poor at everything else, much like poor late Indutiomarus "Bae" Marganid.

Interestingly, all of these (other than Boio's adult son) are part of the "New generation" who consider themselves citizens of Gaul, not Parisii.
THE WORLD TODAY

I'll take time to point out major facets of this game's current position. Hopefully this will help you all better understand my position and, thus, drive better from the backseat of this AAR.
-Rome and Carthage are constantly butting heads. So far, it has essentially been a stalemate.
-Continuing with Rome, they now have nowhere to expand. In Spain and Africa, they face Carthage, in Gaul and Germania me, and in Greece they must fight an expansionist Macedonia.
-Continuing in that vein, Illyria's colonies have formed their own nation and survived, albeit by paying tribute. Meanwhile, Macedonia is colonizing heavily already and making major inroads into Asia Minor (they're currently at war with Bithynia and have taken Rhodes).
-Parthia has an alliance with Egypt. A Seleucid war with either of them means war with both, so Parthia is essentially guaranteed existence.
---
*Frankly, the joke was stale.

Also, as it seems most of you didn't respond to my question, I'll just say this: I'm not playing ahead. I stop where I begin writing the next chapter. If I ask for advice (which is likely as I'm not too good a player), I would very much like it if you would answer it. I'll likely lose interest if no one replies (check my previous AARs for examples of this happening; I do not have a very good track record, unfortunately). And if I stop posting, we won't see Rome fall to the Gallic war machine, will we?

So. Is the update too big? Too small? Too funny? Not funny enough? Should I go in a completely different vein? Any strategy suggestions (yeah, I'll probably ignore them like Lofman, but hey I might not).

 

[comagoosie]

Rome sure does seem to be at the short end of the stick. Like you said not only do they have no where to expand but they are in a Civil War, and those can be bloody. But nevertheless you had the balls to besiege a city that had 32k men sitting a province away o

 

[Enewald]

Saying 'I am the chief' may lead you to saying 'you were a chief'. o

 

[Swuul]

You are doing fine if you ask me. Both in the game and with the AAR Keep it up this way!

 

[Lofman]

Good work with defeating Rome. Let us hope their civil war continue for some time. I'd say colonize Bituriges as soon as possible, but apart from that get tribute from Helvetii and Eburones (through diplomatic means from the first as they seem to be your allies, through more forceful means from the second one). There might be an idea to deal with Massilia as Rome are hopefully not able to intervene. Anyway keep up the good work.

 

[unmerged(58610)]

Gaining Liguria should lead to good colonization opportunities. Gaul does bear an uncanny resemblance to a poodle balancing something on its nose and holding a bone with its tail.

Being a Gallic chief does have its disadvantages. Hpoefully, now you are a Republic, your rulers should rule a little longer without the revolts. Though, you may want to use your own language rather than Latin.

I think you should have annexed the Trinovantes. No doubt, you'll get the chance.

Your tale has me chuckling.

Demand tribute from your neighbours and then annex them. There are too few natives in standard. Conquering those that there are means you'll control and civilize the entirety of Europe north of the Alps, blocking Carthage from Iberia would be a smart move. Taking out Massila whilst Rome is occupied would also make sense.

I can't wait to see barbarian raiding civilized Gaul. You've got too few slaves, anyway. Running an omen, espacially something that will be beneficial to becoming more civilized and build some buildings.

 

[Solo?]

I have nothing considerable to contribute apart from your AAR is a very nice read and has even encouraged me to buy VV. Keep it up!

 

[Darkwind3.0]

Stability, Colonies, and Building

@Comagoosie: Chances are those 32k men were more like 12k with almost no morale. The Romans kicked the Rebel's butts.
@Enewald: Cingetorix stepped down peacefully. Which is a shame, because now that I think of it it would have been much funner to go straight from Tribe to Dictatorship. Go lifelong rulership!
@Jarkko Suvinen: Well, thanks, and I certainly will.
@Lofman: As you'll soon see, I just annexed Eburones (No competition for Germany now!). Massilia I didn't do anything with, though, because Rome could easily have knocked me around with its massive army.
@Chief Ragusa: I haven't gotten a chance to annex Trinovantes so far. Nor have I been able to demand tribute from nearby powers, as I'm friendly with all of them. The senate won't allow me to do anything hostile to them except, oddly, fully backing a war. I had to take a -5 stab hit (ouch!) to annex Eburones.
@Solo?: Thanks for the compliment, and I'm glad you bought VV!
Stability, Colonies, and Building
Or, nothing happens despite good prospects of things happening

Cingetorix prepared Gaul for war. He mostly did this by yelling at his new senators, though he also cleverly gained a Casus Belli by sending an assassin to kill his target's leader.

Said target was Eburones. The man Cingetorix sent did his job well, fumbling the operation and being imprisoned. Cingetorix then sent a notice that Gaul's military access through Eburones was revoked. The Senate dutifully sent Cingetorix a messenger explaining that they did not approve of Cingetorix cancelling the treaty. Cingetorix ended the sending chain by sending the Senate the messenger's head and Huneric a slightly revised note with the phrase "cancel military access" crossed out and replaced with "declare war".

The Senate then sent a letter explaining that, though they did not back cancelling military access, they were fully behind annexing Eburones. They also explained that they completely condemned Cingetorix's recklessness in plunging the country into instability by declaring war on a country Gaul had military access through.

Reportedly, a conversation between Cingetorix and a Gallic citizen sometime during this period went as thus:

: Hello, sir. I would very much like to have a word with you.

: I was daydreaming of killing the Senate! This had better be good.

: Well, I just wanted to say that I do not condone your decision to declare war on the poor nation of Eburones before cancelling military access with them in the slightest, and I fully agree with the Senate's decision to impeach you.

: First, the Senate are the ones who forced me to ignore the access. Second, they're doing what?!

: Oh, and by the way, me and my friends thought it would be fun to form a small, completely democratic rebel force, where each and every man owns himself and no one may demand anything of anyone else and there are no generals whatsoever to keep us from being routed by small children with the military skill of a crayfish. Now, if you would please lay down so I can stab you with my pitchfork...

Two thousand years later, ninety-nine affluent, well-dressed Gallic bodies would be uncovered in the middle of Paris as, simultaneously, an archaeological dig on the French and German border would discover thousands of dead Gallic peasants armed with pitchforks. Thousands of other bodies from the same time period would also be accumulated in what would be known as the "Great Idiot Purging of 514 AUC".

Roughly two thousand years before that, however, Cingetorix would utterly destroy Eburones' army. Reportedly, the crippled Archon hobbled after Huneric, Chief of Eburones, and then proceeded to beat the living daylight out of him when a crippled old man caught up a yound, whole chief. Rumors soon spread that Cingetorix was hardcore, aiding him in utterly destroying Eburone's defenses in a short siege.

The Senate sent another letter, saying, "Congratulations for liberating those poor Germanics for us. By the way, could you make a religious fanatic Censor?"

Cingetorix's first act upon coming home to Parisii was, reportedly, to "replace" the entire senate. Reports from that time were sketchy, however, as half of Gaul's 198 literates had gone missing, and the other half suddenly promoted to Senators.

Soon after this, Cingetorix was offered a ceremonial pig. He ate into it with relish. The High Priest then took the Archon aside to explain that ceremonial pigs were stabbed with knives to show the people that the country was more stable due a complex interaction between Druidic chi, pig blood, and the ground, and that he had just eaten a live pig. Said Archon backhanded the High Priest and soon it was declared everywhere that Cingetorix Iacid had stabbed a pig to improve the realm's stability and had most certainly not eaten a living animal. The people were relieved.

Cingetorix then stepped down and let his old war buddy Ariovistus take control of the Gallic Republic. Ariovistus, despite being an excellent general, was a highly religious man. His extensive knowledge of pig-stabbing custom helped him when stabbing pigs. His rule was mostly known because it helped Gaul recover from its massive stability loss out of negative stability, and also because of the sad affair of Buite Iacid's death.

Buite Iacid died trying to kill a woman who happened to be friend of CIngetorix Iacid. He was apparently so weak she managed to accidentally kill him while gently pushing him away. It was agreed throughout Gaul that this was a kinder death than being stabbed repeatedly than by an old cripple who was still far more fit than poor Buite.

Ariovistus then stepped down and the third Gallic Archon, Addedomarus, stepped up. He was not an interesting or famous person and marked the point where Gallic archons started become obscure figures*.

Added (as the Gauls dubbed him) was known for his intense rebel and barbarian problems.

Several barbarian tribes appeared simultaneously on Gaul's borders and overran Gaul. In the north, Cingetorix beat back the blasted barbarian bands, while in the south the mustachioed menace marched to Magna Graecia. Said mustachioed menace was then utterly defeated by the Romans, and then by the Gauls.

After this, very little of interest happened. A few provinces were colonized, filling out Gaul's borders. Most of Gaul Proper came to view themselves as Gallic, with the exceptions of Atrebates and Lemovices. Stability continued to rise. The first project directly from the Gallic treasury, an irrigation system in Lemovices, was begun. The Druidic religion continued to be the laughingstock of the world, with less than 3 power. Thus, this chapter ends with something interesting, the end of the First Seleucid-Macedonian War.

Yes, those are Seleucids in southern Greece. Yes, Macedon took Pergamon from the Bithynians in a war and then lost it. Yes, the Seleucids are almost certainly going to overrun Greece by 600 AUC.

But back to the war itself: It began when the Achaeans decided to try and annex the Egyptian Rebels. Both superpowers came to the side of their respective allies, and war was on. The rebels came out clean (other than being annexed back into Egypt of course), and the aggressors rather unsurprisingly worse for the wear. Macedonia came out with a few "colonies" taken away, while the Achaean League was brought back to being just Achaea, losing Sparta.

And, to finish this all off, a traditional picture of the situation as this AAR ends.

---
*I stopped keeping track. It's not like they matter that much, they'll be gone in two years.

Sorry for the short update.

A few questions for you guys. First: Should I pursue dictatorship? The benefits of not having a Senate are numerous, but the tyranny might hurt. On the other hand, I wouldn't need to deal with any of those silly Roman names for laws, I would have leaders that actually matter, and it could add an interesting dynamic if I get a really bad leader somewhere down the line.

Second: Should I pursue a confrontation with Rome? They have a CB on me due to Liguria, but they haven't been doing anything about it. In fact, Rome has been doing nothing this entire time, and their regiments only outnumber me 2:1, which is good considering how sparsely Gaul is populated. On the other hand, that's still two regiments for every one of mine. Not good odds by any means.

As always, questions, comments and suggestions are welcome.

 

[Enewald]

I say get rid of senate

 

[comagoosie]

Dictatorship forever and ever!

Get rid of those senators, and maybe then you can fend off those pestering hordes

 

[Lofman]

I say remain a republic (just because everyone else say dictatorship ), strengthen the Gallic economy. And smash a few barbarians since even if you can't immediately colonize their provinces you do get slaves, and slaves mean better income. And you seem to have the manpower and money to increase the size of your army, judging by the screenshots, so stay vigilant and if the oppurtunity arises, march to Rome!

 

[Darkwind3.0]

The Senate Has No Beard

@Enewald: I agree.
@comagoosie: Yeah, a dictator should help. But that huge tyranny won't. A maximum of 80 loyalty is painful.
@Lofman: Well, I didn't immediately go for dictatorship, but the Senate poses too many problems. And I really should start barb-busting sooner or later. But I don't want to increase my army--I plan on remaining just below the support limit so that I don't tax my economy. I can't maintain a huge military and increase my infrastructure at the same time, not for very long at least.
The Senate Has No Beard
Or, a history of Gaul's long class struggle between the bearded and clean-shaven

After a long period of nothing much happening, nothing much continued to happen.

Lemovices and Atrebates finally realized that they were no longer independent states.

Acco Duratid, the reigning Archon's son followed a long tradition of being uninterested in women, apparently not knowing said tradition was Greek. Or possibly knowing and not caring.

Said reigning Archon began a building spree.

Cartimandua, Iccius Divicid's wife, died, after seventy-two long years. This did not raise Gaul from its lethargic uninterest in anything happening.

What did was Boiorix Marganid, the martial prodigy (one a scale of 0 to 9, Boiorix would have a 10 in martial prowess), dying. He was followed soon after by Cingetorix Iacid. While it is unknown under what circumstances Cingetorix died, it is presumed he drank himself to death after realizing that despite being a crippled old drunk, he was still one of the deadliest men in Gaul.

To nail the proverbial hammer in Gaul's proverbial knowledge-unfriendly coffin, Bellicianus Duratid, a great military commander and father of Acco the Greek, died, possibly after realizing why his son was called Acco the Greek. He left in command of the Gallic armies a man who believed he knew which end of a club was sharp and how to kill a man using the pressure points in his toenails. Needless to say, Gaul's armies were in a sorry state.

Shortly after this, twenty-one thousand barbarians led by a man only slightly worse martially than Boiorix swarmed into Liguria. Ariovistus Elitovid, Gaul's last commander who knew that a club was not, in fact, an object with which to stab people, led a last-ditch effort to defeat the barbarians.

He failed, and they moved into Rome, where forty thousand Roman soldiers whittled them down until the barbarians were no more.

After this unusual episode of excitement and interesting things happening in Gaul, the people went back to not caring about anything. When Carthage annexed the odd hand-deer* of Aramea, none cared. When Macedonia attacked Crete, but somehow allowed Pontus to annex the small island country, none stirred (other than Acco the Greek of course). None particularly cared when the Romans in Bononia passed an arbitrary measure of the length their pinky fingers stuck out and swept down upon the less-enlightened "barbarians" whose only crime was not immediately bowing down to Gaul (a heinous one, though one Gaul intended to punish for itself, rather than let the Romans do it).

Then, Ariovistus Elitovid came into power. He meant to change this lethargy, and secure his sons a place in history (not history books, however; Ariovistus was not the kind of man who could read, who encouraged reading, or who really encouraged any sort of philosophical thought at all).

To set the stage for Ariovistus's next act that would change the course of history, he had roughly the finesse of an elephant with rabies, that happened to be on fire. On a scale of 1 to 10, Ariovistus had a finesse of 0. What he did have, however, was one of the most honed military minds in Gaul.

Thus, he accomplished his goal by imprisoning most of the Populist Party Women's Knitting Circle, as well as two men who had apparently taken up both the hobby and the hatred of all things sane and rational, and declaring himself the Tyrant of Gaul. None really bothered speaking up against him, as they were too busy mourning the loss of the Knitting Circle, in a prime example of how weak and girly the loss of three incredible commanders had left Gaul.

Ariovistus, oddly enough, preferred the most popular of the two potential usurpers of his throne rather than his own Heir Apparent as Heir Apparent. All became right when said unusually popular usurper was killed in an accident and the Tyrant's council was mysteriously shuffled, none of which apparently warranted much attention in Gaul.

Ariovistus Marganid then turned his attention towards Helvetii.

He demanded tribute. They refused.

His council then unanimously voted that annexing Helvetii was much more important than somehow getting grain to Eburones.

He attempted to assassinate their general. Not only was the general still alive, the assassin had not been caught.

Said assassin attempted again. Rumors began to spread that the assassin was busier visiting Helvetii's "exotic" women than killing their generals.

Said rumors became more widespread when the assassin, on his third trip, walked up to the Chief of Helvetii and confessed that he had been ordered to kill them.

The assassin would go down in history as one of the few men to receive a beating from the leaders of two different countries. The Roman Consul was also invited to join in, but he politely declined.

After beating the assassin within an inch of his life, Ariovistus declared war on Helvetii, ignoring the knowledge that his countries' already poor stability, only slightly helped by an excellent harvest that year would go down the drain.

He ignored it by tearing down the walls of Helvetii, beating their chief as well, and declaring the Helvetians part of Gaul, completing a conquest begun half a century ago.

Ariovistus then failed at his goal of keeping Gaul on its toes, as very little happened for quite some time.

Until, that is, Sinorix Marganid, the Heir Apparent, went on a hunting trip with Addedomarus Marganid.

a painting of Addedomarus from the time period

Orgetorix "Orgie" Marganid thus stepped up a notch and became the new Heir Apparent. He followed a long history of Gallic rulers being incredible warriors. This was one of the reasons none ever pronounced his nickname as it looked. The other was that the Gauls weren't quite civilized enough to know advanced vocabulary.

To finish an eventful few months--the Council had been shuffled again; Ariovistus's councillors had a tendency to hate his heirs with the passion of a thousand white-hot burning orbs of gas--Ariovistus beat the snot out of a bunch of barbarians for the satisfaction of seeing them run.

"An illiterate brute" fit him to a tee.

---
*Seriously, what's up with that. It's both a hand, and a deer. Someone needs to straighten that out.

Another chapter, another set of questions. So:

So far, I've been doing ~10 year chapters during the boring periods. Too much, too little? I could easily have continued the chapter for a while longer, until a war or something equally interesting happened.

Anyone have any ideas for getting Gaul out of the research doldrums? Many of the more advanced nations have tech level 7s now. We have 2s with I think civic level 3. We're more advanced than 0-across-the-board Dacia, but not by much. I'm beginning to think putting off that conquest of Rome much longer is a bad idea, though they outnumber us heavily and aren't in danger of a civil war.

Oh, and to quell any fears, I have been building up infrastructure (temples, stockades, irrigation, etc.) I just didn't manage to write it into the chapter.

Well, that's surprisingly all for this chapter. As always, any suggestions, comments, concerns etc. not regarding my most pressing wonders are welcome.

 

[Lofman]

I just say this, liberate Cisalpine Gaul (as it is called by Roman Barbarians) from the vile and Barbaric Romans.