Suenik Reloaded

[iain_a_wilson]

SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 7 - THE IGNOBLE HISTORY OF ARTAVAZD GARDMAN-AGHBANIA
(1082 - 1103)
​

When historians look back on the reign of Artavazd Gardman-Aghbania (affectionally known as "The Wicked" by his subjects for reasons that will soon become abundantly clear) they will doubtlessly consider it to be a period of mixed fortunes. On one hand, Count Artavazd markedly increased the strength and prosperity of his late father's humble holdings, to the extent that he was able to expand into neighbouring territories and style himself as the Duke of Azerbaijan.

On the other hand - and in this case the other hand is a fearful clawed talon dripping blood - Duke Artavazd was a crazied, maniacal, devil-worshipper, who cavorted with demons, murdered his subjects, delighted in torturing the poor and helpless and who oversaw a reign of terror the likes of which the good people of Suenik had never before experienced. Altars were defaced, priests murdered, churches burned, the rate of abductions soared, and those that displeased the Duke were found struck down with crippling illnesses and festering pox.

So yeah - a mixed bag largely. It seems that Count Grigor's assumption that his son's wearing of black robes was merely an angsty, teeny phase was...er...woefully misguided.

Fate, though, played its part, and in the year 1103 Duke Artavazd passed away from supposedly "natural causes".

To be honest, the accounting given here is fairly mild. When Satan and all his little demons do a "previously on..." for Artazvazd's life, and gather all the minions of hell around for a game of "Let's guess the soon-to-be-tortured-horribly-for-all-eternity Duke's top five favourite sins" Pride ain't going to feature on that list. The smart Suenikian money (if there is such a thing) will be on things like "lust", "wrath" and "beating your foes to death with their own severed limbs whilst feasting on other parts of their body."

Oh, and "natural causes"? It's fair to say that this might by the scholars trying to white wash history a teeny-weeny bit as Artazvazd's proclivities were fairly well known throughout the Duchy, and the company of holy knights that caught up with him one summer's evening looked a lot angrier than "natural causes".

Unless of course you assume divine wrath equates to natural causes for infernalists in which case we can allow them the poetic license.

Anyway, the late 11th century was also a ton of fun and games for western Europe when shiploads of feather-wearing, blood-crazed, still-beating-heart-ripping-from-chests lunatics from abroad showed up on the shores of North Africa and started a diabolical reign of terror to rival that of Artavazd. In fact, the word "diabolical" is not mere hyperbole in this case, because - as Artazvazd was well aware - the monarch of these so called "Aztecs" was none other than Artazvad's coven leader.

Small world, huh?

So, I hear you ask, what of Suenik? What's going to happen to it as the Western World burns? Well, after the chaos of Artavazd's reign, it sounds pretty much like they need a steady hand on the wheel.

A dependable, strong leader.

Someone not prone to rash judgement and whimsy.

A rock that will stand firm in the storm.

Definitely not a mess of mixed up emotions and contradictions.

Oh.

Well, at least he doesn't have any of his father's tendencies.

WAA WAA WAA.

Will Duke Vahag rescue Suenik from the mire of decades of neglect? Will he avoid his father's old coven? What of the Aztecs? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: So, it's been over a year, but you can blame the fact that I've moved my family to another continent which has been a fairly time consuming business Long story short AAR wise, I lost the various screen shots from Artavazd's reign, but it wasn't pretty. I'd basically bought CKII and all the DLC without having any real idea of the content. When I took over Artavazd he was second highest ranking in Lucifer's Own and I basically had a ton of fun utterly exploiting this for all it was worth...and didn't stop to think that all my overt evilness would probably be noticed. Which it was... Anyway, this brings us bang up to date, so expect more soon!

 

[diskoerekto]

welcome back

 

[stnylan]

Welcome back. Trans-continental moves ... sounds like "fun"

 

[Prominences]

Boy, the Aztecs showed up early! Unless you step up your game, they're going to outbid you on the human sacrifice quotient. Get on that!

And I'm glad this AAR is back; it's given me the chance to discover it after it somehow passed me by. Suenik has a bright future ahead! Truly Grigor's legacy lives on through his murderous, cult-ish, demon-possessed children. How pleasant.

 

[The Number 9]

Wow, welcome back !

 

[El Pip]

It lives! Unlike much of the court of Suenik it seems. Congratulations on surviving moving your family around the continents and welcome back.

The problem in Suenik is not neglect, if anything the problems get worse whenever anyone pays any attention to it. Having misdiagnosed the problem this bodes well for Duke Vahag's attempts at a solution.

 

[iain_a_wilson]

welcome back

Thank you very much. 'tis good to be back!

Welcome back. Trans-continental moves ... sounds like "fun"

The move itself and the resultant chaos was er...less than fun...but the end result has been worth it!

Boy, the Aztecs showed up early! Unless you step up your game, they're going to outbid you on the human sacrifice quotient. Get on that!

Yeah, not quite sure why they showed up so early. I think I've got all of the game settings on "pretty much just do stuff at random".

And I'm glad this AAR is back; it's given me the chance to discover it after it somehow passed me by. Suenik has a bright future ahead! Truly Grigor's legacy lives on through his murderous, cult-ish, demon-possessed children. How pleasant.

Yeah, never a dull moment in Suenik. If you're wanting some reading whilst waiting for me to keep this updated, I'd recommend it's predecessor (which is complete) that can be found here. The very first entry is missing due to the fact I'm an idiot and accidentally deleted it whilst updating the index once, but the rest is there and it's complete! Some of the remarks by commentators are pretty amusing too!

Wow, welcome back !

Thank you, kind sir.

It lives! Unlike much of the court of Suenik it seems. Congratulations on surviving moving your family around the continents and welcome back.

The problem in Suenik is not neglect, if anything the problems get worse whenever anyone pays any attention to it. Having misdiagnosed the problem this bodes well for Duke Vahag's attempts at a solution.

Yeah, I think Suenik was doing a-ok until I decided to boot it up again. Then there was a collective groan from the little Suenikians who live in my computer as they realised that they'd have to go back to a life of misery and degradation...

 

[iain_a_wilson]

SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 8 - PUTTING THE "HERE" INTO HERESY
(1103 - 1106)
​

Vahag.

That's Aremenian for "not a devil worshipper like my brother".

The court here is in chaos after his reign.

Nobody trusts anyone.

The graveyards are overflowing.

We're only just getting the blood off the walls.

Take a look at my council, for example - most of the seats are empty!

So that's three seats I need to fill. At least Count Artavaz stuck with me...hang on.

COUNT ARTAVAZD?

He LOOKS just like my brother.

He has my brother's NAME.

He's even wearing my brother's signature black robe!

Could it be...

No.

It's just my nephew.

Who's inherited his dad's name and black robe...

Phew.

Thought I was seeing things for a moment there.

You'll be wearing a robe like that soon.

What was that?

Am I hearing things too?

Weird.

However, the lad - fashion proclivities aside - seems to be more than up to the role of chancellor. Young Artavazd assures me that I have a legal right to bring some place called Semender into the Duchy. The current Count doesn't seem too inclined to join, so Artavazd recommends a military solution.

It's a splendid idea - nothing brings a divided kingdom together like a common enemy to rally against.

...and it's all rather short lived. It appears that the people of Semender, despite having a tough-talking leader, are in no mood for a fight and pretty much roll over at the first sign of trouble. Not that I'm complaining - the less would-be-subjects I have to butcher the better!

My wife seems rather taken with my new, title and bearing. She croons that she like a "strong decisive man who takes charge of things". I think it reminds her of "the good old days" when I viciously and bloodily murdered her cousin. Seems that some women just seem to crave power. It's an aphrodisiac apparently!

However, as with all things Suenikian, it appears that this was not to be a happy occasion. When my father arranged a marriage for me with Tamari he assured me that her "robust figure" was ideally suited to child bearing.

A lie it seems.

I knew the chunky wench was a bit too fond of game pie.

To help secure the dynasty, I send messengers out far and wide to secure a new bride for me. Artavazd recommends some 16 year old who he claims is a genius (and who isn't liable to eat herself to death).

Bishop Mleh (one of my late brother's favourites and also holder of the moniker of "the Wicked") points out that he's not sure of her as she's "strangely brown" and "probably an infidel". Artazvad assures me she's as much of a good Christian as he is, so I tell him to go ahead and arrange the wedding - the glory of marriage will far out weigh the grumblings of my court over her supposedly "low birth".

As we are feasting and enjoying the wedding (I had to miss Tamari's funeral - God rest her soul) news reaches me that the these so called Aztecs who are causing so many problems in the West may have problems of their own.

However, if it is annoying them, the Aztec's don't seem to show it, and instead respond in their singular - slightly over-the-top - manner.

Classic Aztecs.

To further celebrate my wedding, and my forthcoming deluge of genius children (I'm assured that this is the natural product of breeding some one of my sophistication with my new wife) I rename the Duchy in honour of my ancestors.

If I'm honest, it's a lot easier to spell than the old name, and if someone were to chronicle the life and times of the rules of Suenik this would make the scribe's job less difficult in the long run (and probably reduce the length of said chronicle by several pages!)...

Things seem to be going well. The coffers are frequently fully, the peasants are happy and the chaos that my brother instituted seems to have slowly resolved itself.

Life is good, calm and peaceful.

Artazvazd! How could you! Who was led you from the true path? What has caused you to stray? Are the sins of the father truly visited upon the child? I call Bishop Mleh to investigate. I demand to know of the seed that caused this heresy to sprout!

A few months later Mleh comes back into court with a "told you so" smirk plastered across his face and points out that Artavazd wasn't the only courtier approached and asked to join this heretical movement.

No! My dear Tintifawin! Even though your name sounds like a mining village in Wales, I never thought this would happen! I just assumed Mleh's prejudice towards you was more casual racism than anything else.

This is absolutely bloody hilarious.

What am I to do? I know - I'll talk her round. After all, the shining love that I bear for her in my heart will surely be more than enough to eclipse the foul beliefs that have taken hold of her.

Oh.

What next for Suenik? Will Vahag manage to talk Tintifawin down? What of the black robes? What is the voice that Vahag keeps hearing? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!

 

[Prominences]

I'm certain that Vahag is not some filthy heretic like the rest of Suenik. Nope. No heresy here. "Mono-thelite?" What's that? Never heard of it...

(DO IT)

Hm? What was that? Nope. Can't hypnotize me into joining your little cult. I can't be hypnotized...

 

[Shimeon]

Well, this is an hilarious story!

 

[stnylan]

If you can't beat them ...

 

[The Number 9]

Even his wife could not be trusted...

 

[diskoerekto]

she's a genius, so maybe has a point?

 

[iain_a_wilson]

I'm certain that Vahag is not some filthy heretic like the rest of Suenik. Nope. No heresy here. "Mono-thelite?" What's that? Never heard of it...

Not at all. No black robe on him.

(DO IT)

Hm? What was that? Nope. Can't hypnotize me into joining your little cult. I can't be hypnotized...

If only this was hypnosis...

Well, this is an hilarious story!

I'm glad you think so - I'm certainly having fun writing it!

If you can't beat them ...

Flay them?

Even his wife could not be trusted...

If there's one thing I've learned from Crusader Kings AARs involving Suenik, it's that the women are way worse than the men...

she's a genius, so maybe has a point?

Ssh! Don't let Vahag hear you say that!

 

[iain_a_wilson]

SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 9 - ...AND EVERYONE HAD A GREAT TIME
(1106 - 1109)
​

I'm still in a bad mood over Tintifawin's refusal to convert. The Middle East is a volatile region, and the slightest little religious spark can set off a massive conflagration. However, Tintifawin's smart - that's the reason I married her after all - so I know that she'll tread lightly. I don't want to take direct action against her, she knows this, so I just know she'll keep a low profile.

Dear Lord! Rather than keep a lid on things, she's taken to having public slagging matches with Bishop Mleh. That's Mleh "The Wicked" for those of you who haven't been paying attention.

I like this one.

The whole court is in an uproar. Mleh is darkly alluding to public pyres, whilst Tintifawin is raging about "the opression of the patriarchy". I don't even understand the last point - we're not Orthodox are we?

Still, things slowly begin to settle down and we manage to go several months without a major heresy or threats of religious violence.

All is calm.

All is at peace.

It doesn't last.

Oh great.

Now, I know Jerusalem is a long way away, but I'm willing to bet my bottom dollar that we could soon see Crusaders who "have got lost" rampaging through the Byzantine empire and into my realm. The fact that we're literally bursting at the seams with heretics is sure to make the highlands of Suenik a strong draw for the discerning Crusader who wants to see the sights and sounds of Aremnia before returning home...

To make matters worse, my idiot son appears to have fallen under the sway of the recently humbled and somewhat bitter count of Semender.

My little face must be a mask of despair, because Tintifawin comes to make, takes my hand, and assures me that "everything is going to be alright". Ignoring the prattling of my court, she takes me for a long walk through the countryside. The beautiful Aremenian scenery, the sun riding high in the deep blue sky, and the witty, intelligent conversation from my lovely (if ever so slightly heretical) wife cause my spirits to soar! What is this feeling?

I ignore the rumblings of war and dissent and just bask in this unusual - but very welcome feeling.

Sucker - this is Suenik. Keep drinking the Cool Aid...

Despite an internal monologue telling me that this is all going to crash and burn, I revel in my new found happiness.

The feeling is spreading, My two sons - previously at each other's throats - seem to becoming fast friends.

Truly, Suenik is the land of the blessed!

Oh yeah - apart from the odd psychotic Suenikian woman trying to kill me of course! I don't let this dampen my spirits - I order her arrest, and when that fails I start conspiring with others to drop her into the royal piranha pool.

I even hold a party to celebrate my good spirits.

As usual though, some people have too much of a good thing and I'm told that there's some rowdy behaviour. "What's that?" I chuckle. "Some bawdy songs? Chasing after wenches? A little bit of a tussle?"

Bloody hell! I don't know what's more disturbing; Artazvazd's massive over-reaction (I bet it's got something to do with the black robe and his dubious parentage) or the fact that everyone else seems completely fine with this...

I drink a LOT to forget about that night, and as such, when I am awakened rudely the following day, I'm feeling somewhat tender. I'm sure you all know what it's like to wake up with a massive hangover. Your head feels like it's going to burst, there's a nausea the likes of which you've never felt swirling with hurricane-like intensity within your gullet, and your throat feels like you've gargled a mixture of gravel, burning coals and mangy badger fur. Therefore, it's best that people tread careful around you, that they let you adjust to the new day, and that they don't expose you to great shocks.

What next for Vahag? Will he be able to field off the invaders with the hangover from hell? Will the servants ever manage to clear up after the greatest feast Suenik has ever seen? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!

 

[diskoerekto]

and everything was going so great before crashing down, suenik style

 

[stnylan]

All in all I think this counts as a win.

 

[Prominences]

See? This is what happens when you don't embrace the One True Faith that is Monothelitism...Monotheistism...Monotheleticism...whatever it's called! Don't lose hope, there's still time to repent and pray to the One True Monothelite God to deliver you from these invaders.

 

[The Number 9]

Everything was going too great for a Suenik tale. It couldn't last !

 

[iain_a_wilson]

and everything was going so great before crashing down, suenik style

Yeah. Suenik style is feast and famine to the nth degree...

All in all I think this counts as a win.

I love that you've got your Suenik glasses on...

See? This is what happens when you don't embrace the One True Faith that is Monothelitism...Monotheistism...Monotheleticism...whatever it's called! Don't lose hope, there's still time to repent and pray to the One True Monothelite God to deliver you from these invaders.

Man, stop taking HER side

Everything was going too great for a Suenik tale. It couldn't last !

As my last ARR will show, this is a recurring theme of life in Suenik...