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The Bad Beginning (Again)
The Bad Beginning (Again)
This was Ged, of Ned. He’s the standard tutorial character for CK3. And a year ago, we completely ruined his life.
Fortunately, there were some perks along the way. It turned out even I wasn’t as big of a bastard as the Paradox Tutorial Maker (PTM), whom we later discovered/embodied as a psychotic white rabbit with a thirst for Man-flesh.
Ged also had an extremely loving and…um…passionate relationship with his wife, whom was never proven to be a witch. He had several children, many of who were disappointments, and one who seemingly just came from nowhere before the game even started. That was Brian, who was doomed to star in a failed AAR project of his own…
Swiftly moving on, Ireland prospered, Wales didn’t, and eventually Ged died an old man (well, in his early sixties), peacefully on top of a hill in southern France. Some people have even described it as poignant; Which was very nice of them.
Anyway, the spirit of Ged was then dragged through many an adventure with PTM and TBC (a gentleman), none of which will be recounted here. Suffice to say that eventually, the trio got bored and started thinking…dangerous thoughts. Thoughts like taking Frankenstein as less a warning and more an instruction manual…
Thanks to the new and improved character designer, all many of freak and monster can be created in CK3. And I know, because I have created and discarded many in the prep for this AAR, which you will have seen in the previous chapter.
Yes, very interesting stuff. Eventually, a body was formed, though given one of the designers was a deranged rabbit, it did not quite manage to scale the Uncanny Valley.
Fortunately, there were some perks along the way. It turned out even I wasn’t as big of a bastard as the Paradox Tutorial Maker (PTM), whom we later discovered/embodied as a psychotic white rabbit with a thirst for Man-flesh.
Ged also had an extremely loving and…um…passionate relationship with his wife, whom was never proven to be a witch. He had several children, many of who were disappointments, and one who seemingly just came from nowhere before the game even started. That was Brian, who was doomed to star in a failed AAR project of his own…
Swiftly moving on, Ireland prospered, Wales didn’t, and eventually Ged died an old man (well, in his early sixties), peacefully on top of a hill in southern France. Some people have even described it as poignant; Which was very nice of them.
Anyway, the spirit of Ged was then dragged through many an adventure with PTM and TBC (a gentleman), none of which will be recounted here. Suffice to say that eventually, the trio got bored and started thinking…dangerous thoughts. Thoughts like taking Frankenstein as less a warning and more an instruction manual…
Thanks to the new and improved character designer, all many of freak and monster can be created in CK3. And I know, because I have created and discarded many in the prep for this AAR, which you will have seen in the previous chapter.
Yes, very interesting stuff. Eventually, a body was formed, though given one of the designers was a deranged rabbit, it did not quite manage to scale the Uncanny Valley.
We at TBC Productions proudly present Ged 2.0! A gigantic hulk of a man, spanning nearly eight feet in height and about as wide. With yellowed eyes and pitch-black flowing hair, we are indeed channelling the Creature for all Mary Shelley’s worth. However, given that the designer grants unlimited power to the player, we decided that Ged should be thrown a bone, and given everything conceivably good to start with.
He's a genius, a herculean, a beautiful man inside and out. Astoundingly attractive, astonishingly skilled, he can tear through a philosophical debate like castle walls. He’s a poet, a musician, a hunter, a dancer, a lover, a fighter and so much more besides.
Quite simply, he is the best.
Also, we made him Latin, obsessed with Rome, and convinced of the veracity of the one true faith: Hellenism.
What, you thought it would be that simple? We’re throwing a titan, a god, down upon the Irish and observing the results.
The world will know the name Ned, mark my words…
And if you want to know his backstory, as in what he was factiously doing in the ’16 years’ before his creation and usurpation of the Munster Chiefdom…well, this is an interesting (read: bullshit) story:
Born into the purple, predating the term by a few decades at least, the young babe escaped from the Imperial Palace of Constantinople by covering himself in fish slime and swimming to freedom. He never quite forgot his roots however, and always thereafter considered himself a Roman of the old tradition. Ged did not forgive God for his birth however, and swore off any and all present practicing religions as false and demeaning to the human spirit. Alone he travelled throughout the lands, learning to fight and command in the steamy jungles of India, how to meditate by the monks of Tibet, and how to slay mad pussy by many different sources, of many different persuasions.
Eventually, he returned to Europe as an adventurer, where he was kidnapped/seduced by pirates, and proceeded to seduce/kidnap the entire crew to his side. He then became a renown raider, warrior poet and philosopher, legendary for his lectures and fighting spirit (often performed simultaneously). He took a break from war and sailing to serve as a bodyguard for the Imperial Royal Family for a time, before escaping arrest, having somehow bedded every single (adult and consenting) member of the Imperial Court in one night.
Alone and penniless once more, he joined a cult to some desert demon that briefly ruled a great swathe of land in sub-Saharan Africa, before being run off by Muslims and angry natives. He also during this time became a travelling doctor and wound up in Baghdad, working for the Caliph as an engineer, architect and friendly neighbourhood torturer. He left the Islamic world when his old Viking raiding party found him quite by accident (having gotten seriously lost on the way back from Iceland). Their adventures have since passed into folklore and mythology, with one source claiming that he served as the lover and shieldmaiden of a Swedish king (without the king noticing anything peculiar) for some several weeks, before stealing most everything not nailed down and finally fleeing across the North Sea to Blighty.
Unfortunately, England did not yet exist, and was constantly being attacked and under threat of forced colonisation (ironically) by Norsemen. Wishing to stay clear of any Viking associates for now, Ged kept moving further and further west, till he crossed the Irish Sea and ended up lost in Munster.
He then became chief of the tribe by killing every other man eligible in a drinking contest, and then strangled his court bishop when the latter accused him of heresy (we’ll get to that).
…
This story may or may not have been entirely accurate.
Anyway…the game has begun!
Fashionista is clearly not one of Ged's many, many talents...
Alright, first of all we need to cloth this monster. Ged is not the best dresser by nature, as anyone who remembers the last time will agree. We find him by default wearing disgusting and unflattering robes, the colour of pig manure.
Oh Ged, we have so much work to do.
He's actually too tall for a crown. His own head barely fits into frame on the character screen.
That’s better. Now he’s a properly dressed and civilised individual, we can go about proving his insane theories and religious beliefs true. It will not be easy. No one in Ireland speaks Latin, for one. No one bar monks that is, and I don’t think they are ready to hear the Good News that their religion is bunk.
We’re going to have to be even more silver-tonged than we already are for this to work (given that we are, essentially, a monstrous looking foreigner who doesn’t speak Irish, and a heretic to boot!).
If we cannot convert, we must create. We will breed an army of supermen and women to wash out the masses of the unholy and unworthy. Eventually. It may take a while.
Ged is definitely re-writing history a little here, as all great conquerors do. He has no established bloodline, so he'll make his own. And then make up his family history anyway! Would-be world conquerors, take note.
PTM clearly appreciates and recognises the ‘Strength of Ned’ however, and gives our entire bloodline a boost to fertility and genetic traits. Eugenics is alive and well in CK3, and by the middle of Ged’s reign (spoiler alert!) there are going to be a lot of very strong, attractive and freaking huge people running around.
Note the sole Viking settlement in Dublin. This may or may not become a problem later...we of course are the green ones.
This is Ireland, incidentally. We’re probably going to burn it to the ground and build it back up again real soon, so take a good look.
Ged’s faith and culture grants him all sorts of special powers. He can divine the stars (not that there is any naval navigation in the game, but I suppose it helps in other ways). He can hold ‘mystical communions with the Divine’, which for the moment is PTM in a wig (shhh! Don’t tell anyone!). And he can do the usual pilgrimage, hunting, feasting, writing in a diary, etc, etc.
You know, maybe we should look at this religion we’ve randomly decided to convert this world into.
Ireland is totally Insular in faith, aside from the random pagan worshippers in Dublin. And that one crazy weirdo in Munster who think's he's Roman.
Hmm. So, we have a great deal of advantages over the Christians. I control my ‘Church’ pretty much absolutely. Divorce is always allowed (that will be fun!), and look at that! Marriage and concubines. Plural. That army of children may happen sooner than I thought.
So here we are, one year of CK3 in and a whole wealth of experience on how to dish out punishment…that is, enjoyable and intriguing gameplay, out on this new Ged. One county, no one else in my culture or religion, no money or prestige, and the whole world is against me.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Today, we have learnt:
- That the character designer should really be used more often in AARs. It’s ridiculous how many options the player has now.
- The next character I create is going to be an absolute wretch of a creature.
- CK3 is still fully convinced you can breed a human smarter, as well as stronger.
- Rome being our main pilgrimage site is going to be super awkward…
- Ged is damned, as ever. But now he has a confusing backstory and untapped power. What happens when a constantly abused man gets unlimited power? Let’s find out!
Till then, goodnight, dear readers, and sacrifice your preferred mammal for Ged.
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Well Frankenstein was written in 1818, so the adventures of Ged, PTM, and TBC (a great title for another AAR) must have involved time travel. Maybe they even met a secretive polar bear along the way.
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That other AAR name is probably good for 'The Adventures of Ged, PTM and TBC in EUIV', the mega campaigns sequel to GEN.
Which will never happen.
Although doing a mad, brief and nonsensical stint through CK3, EUIV, Vicky2 and HOI4 does appeal, it would take far too much work through conversions (all of which would require nodding because the games aren't compatible), and would also require me playing and learning EUIV and Vicky2.
The original Ged game, now compelte but no functionality post many patches, would be a better game to carry on through with. Basically the Irish HRE (which they very foolishly decided to vote us, and outside empire, in charge of) comprising all of Europe (including Scandinavia and russia) and North Africa bar Italia under the papal states, a large Hungarian kingdom and the fully reformed and powerful Byzantine Empire which controls the balkans, anatolia, the middle east and Egypt.
On one side, we have the very insular Catholic faction led by the Ned family and a devout Papacy (devout as in huge supporters of the Neds), and on the other we have Hungary and Byzanitum as orthodox powerhouses. Siberia beckons in one direction, and the Atlantic coastline as a way to get round the byzantine trade routes in the other.
Would be interesting to see what happens next, especially as the Irish bascially genocided every other culture in their empire out.
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Ged's backstory reminds me a little bit of Kvothe, from The Kingkiller Chronicle... which is not super flattering for that particular story.
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Um...Google google
Oh yes, apparently he is a former poet, adventurer and anarchist. Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm...
Anyway, that isn't really Ged's backstory. As far as the game is concerned, he is 16 years old, and spawned from the nothingness (no parents), and yet is somehow a chief in Ireland's despite not being Irish.
Readers may feel free to speculate or write their own backstories for fun. They will in no way impact the plot, much like the story included in the above chapter.
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This AAR is once again the longest on the ck3 board, and in danger of becoming the most viewed as well. I think I shall go slightly mad with this minuscule amount of fame and success, and aim to have Ged become the de facto name of the tutorial character for ck3 from now on.
We dream big here in the Nightmare...
Having noticed the view counter, I went and checked, and depressingly, Empire of Albion still has more views than all my other AARs put together. At least this AAR is about to overtake it in length. You never quite escape your first, do you?
...
On a completely different topic, paradox are in the news again and, like every other larger publisher and Developer, seems to have a hug even problem with staff welfare and institutional harassment. As awkward as it is to say this here, it is difficult to support such companies with your time, attention and money when this sort of thing comes to light.
The investigations by the Swedish worker unions are ongoing, but it is not looking good for the company or the people who work there. Nothing so bad as what was discovered at Ubisoft or activision yet but...well, who knows?
We dream big here in the Nightmare...
Having noticed the view counter, I went and checked, and depressingly, Empire of Albion still has more views than all my other AARs put together. At least this AAR is about to overtake it in length. You never quite escape your first, do you?
...
On a completely different topic, paradox are in the news again and, like every other larger publisher and Developer, seems to have a hug even problem with staff welfare and institutional harassment. As awkward as it is to say this here, it is difficult to support such companies with your time, attention and money when this sort of thing comes to light.
The investigations by the Swedish worker unions are ongoing, but it is not looking good for the company or the people who work there. Nothing so bad as what was discovered at Ubisoft or activision yet but...well, who knows?
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I've said it before and I will say it again...
He's a fucking vampire...
That said, not surprised about the Paradox office culture, and it makes me using one copy of HoI3 for seven different computers less of an issue for me.
He's a fucking vampire...
That said, not surprised about the Paradox office culture, and it makes me using one copy of HoI3 for seven different computers less of an issue for me.
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Welcome back!
A very unusual vampire to be sure.
The gaming industry as a whole seems to be infested with rot like this.
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Yes, it's really disappointing and an industry-wide (if not society-wide) problem.
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And we're off! I now expect Paradox CEOs, harassment surveys and whatever else Paradox will serve us in the future to make prominent fun of. *nods*
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If a golden-eyed giant in a toga comes into your average city or village after cleaving through an entire army by himself and starts chanting the praises of Jupiter in Latin, I don’t think he requires 100 diplomatic skill to convert them all!
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Defiantly industry wide. Probably the entire media business.
It is just now occurring to me that there is a great deal of sex in this aar coming up. Wasn't intentional but now we're here...
You'd think, but it actually takes ages!. At least we found enough random strangers to have everyone on the council be hellenic. Just.
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Very Princess Bride of him.
We will see how the madness goes from here.A definite worry about the wider events. It won’t stop me writing or reading AARs, but they had better deal with it properly.
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Very Princess Bride of him.
A definite worry about the wider events. It won’t stop me writing or reading AARs, but they had better deal with it properly.
Very Caesar of him. He's got some kind of Augustus trait, right?
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Very Princess Bride of him.
August. It's the end skill tree trait for one of the diplomacy trees I think.
And doubly impossible in this game of course because there are no ships and no pirates.
Nor any trade networks for either to use and abuse...
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This would never stop a herculean character like Ged.
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Herculean is the best fenetic strength trait (which naturally means Ged has it). It's amazonian for women.
In fact, Ged is so strong that he has both that and the 'strength' trait, which is a separate thing.
He's not just genetically huge and buff. He's honed his body into a physical temple to the YMCA.
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On a semi-related note, I think I just found the next side-project to suggest to the guy who made the fishing minigame mod.
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