Duke Zarmihr must be an Alien. For no one this nice, good and just could come from the lands near Suenik. Thank you for your wonderful work
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If you upgrade the current tribal holding all 3 types of holdings will be autocreated, you need to build a stone fort or something in the tribe and there's one more condition but I don't remember what that was.
GOOD MAN!
Yeah, I vaguely recalled the whole "turn the wooden fort into a stone fort, dance around the room widdershins three time and it becomes feudal business" but a) I didn't think I had that long to wait, because Artashes and his love for leading his troops into battle every five minutes b) the AI spends forever upgrading things and c) I had the cash so why not!
As for offering advice though, GOOD MAN!
Zarmihr was fun to write for
. I'm glad you're enjoying the AAR - welcome aboard. It's always good to have a new reader!- 2
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Someone mentioned that the endings reminded him of Soap, but to me this is the form of the old cliffhanger serial series of 30s, 40s, 50s print, radio and movies.
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Well done resurrecting this always amusing tale, Iain! And getting out of a Mongol invasion with your head still about your body! Not bad for a three year hiatus. I was very happy to see this pop back up in my subscription list and will continue to read as you churn out the updates. Now I have to get my own stuff back on track. Easier said that done.
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That is very much the intention
Stubbornness?
It's lovely having you back in the comments too! I hope you continue to enjoy this nonsense!
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CHAPTER 34 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 34 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
(1206-1209)
CHAPTER 34 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
(1206-1209)
"I hate him, mummy! He's HORRID!"
Hmmm.
It seems that my daughter isn't overly enamoured with my response to her coming of age.
What can I get her for her birthday to make up for this?
I know!
A kingdom of her own.
Well, not quite her own - she's getting packed off to somewhere called "England" to be the trophy wife of some oddly named Saxon, but who doesn't like to travel, right? If I'm completely honest, I don't know exactly where England is - it's probably next to the Byzantine Empire or somewhere, so she'll be able to visit if she misses dear old Suenik.
My wife greets this news with shrieks of joy. At least, I assume they are shrieks of joy until she starts throwing things at me and screaming something about "taking her baby away from her". For goodness sake, woman - you've got plenty of others. What's so special about....whatshername? First born daughter child... You know the one...
When a gold chamber pot impacts the wall near my head I announce "I'M GOING ON ANOTHER HUNTING TRIP! SADDLE MY HORSE! WE RIDE TO GLORY!" and I stride off.
Quickly.
I stop by the royal cartographers who excitedly unfold maps of the near realms and talk to me about some new place that has popped up on our borders. One of them is even babbling about the importance of establishing diplomatic relations.
I yell "GOOD MAN" and clap him on the back, inadvertently causing him to jackknife into the map table. He falls to the ground and twitches a couple of times before falling still. The other cartographers shriek and rush to his side. I plant my fists on my hips, laugh uproariously, point at the man on the floor and boom "MORE WINE FOR THAT CHAP!" before striding off to assemble my "hunting party".
It also turns out, that my hunt may actually be taking me further from home than any ruler of Suenik has ever been before!
Therefore, it is with renewed vigour that my "hunting party" (I'm so cunning!) smashes through a force we outnumber five to one, and heads for the coast!
Sadly, before we're barely out of Suenik our opponent rolls over and shows his belly, and we're forced to return home.
Shame - I was looking forward to seeing the eastern coast of the Black Sea.
Elsewhere, I get a pathetically grateful missive from Sarkis who thanks me for the new castle.
Still irked about my hunting trip being cut short, I inform him that this is my Klarjeti holiday home. I'll occasionally visit him, but he still has to live in the valley with the crazy horses and the agitated tribesmen. Smirking, I apply my seal to the letter and console myself on the ride back home with the thoughts of his tears when he opens it.
Back home I find one of my "special friends" with her bags packed. Apparently she wants to visit the Middle Kingdom "for the glory of Suenik".
I consider packing the wife off instead, but that would be improper. I look down at Lousin. She's clearly noticed me mulling this over and I know, in her mind's eye, she expects me to passionately embrace her and proclaim that every moment we're apart will be an eternity and that I'll stay true to her until she returns.
Unfortunately I'm accompanied by several thousand heavily armed men, so doing so publicly would be improper.
Therefore, I pat her on the shoulder, declare "GOOD MAN!" Before striding off yelling "MY CHAMPIONS RETURN AND THEY ARE THIRSTY! AREMNIAN POMEGRANATE WINE!"
Pretty sure those are tears of joy in Lousin's eyes...
While I was away, it seems that the Byzantine Empire is having a fun little civil war of its own.
I wonder how long until it bursts into a sea of tiny, squabbling Duchies?
Speaking of tiny, squabbling Duchies, Duchess Anna - she of the insatiable appetite for civil war - comes barging in as I'm trying to remove my greaves, declaring that she's heard of my new holiday home and would love one of her own.
Her definition of loyalty is odd. I politely tell her to poke it and she storms off in a huff.
Clearly she didn't take things well.
Months pass, and Lousin returns. I decide to make a huge fuss of her, and throw a massive banquet to allow "Suenik's ambassador to the Middle Kingdom" to regale us with her tales of that far away and mysterious land.
Oh.
You can go off people really quickly you know...
As the months trundle on, and the old coffers start to fill up, my councillors come to may with various ways to improve the realm.
I green light both ideas, but unfortunately, Asher is a complete idiot and displays that age old Suenikian talent for taking a good idea, throwing money at it and turning it into a complete disaster.
Seems that my new roads are idle for the fast moving smugglers of today! I'm about to consider demonstrating another age old Suenikian talent (that of rulers throwing incompetent peons down wells) when my Master of the Hunt (who just so happens to be my marshal - stop looking at me like that - rushes in with some extremely exciting news.
Oh.
YES!
I put an arm around my Steward, ruffle his hair, laugh and boom "YOU CHEEKY SCAMP - NO MORE SMUGGLERS!" before laughing again, shoving him backwards and striding from the room yelling "SADDLE TOROS! I RIDE FOR DIVINE GLORY!" When I see servants rushing to the royal schoolhouse with a saddle I add "I OBVIOUSLY MEAN MY HORSE, TOROS. NOT MY SON, HEIR AND FRUIT OF MY MIGHTY LOINS!"
Saddle a child? Come on - we're not Greek...
The next few weeks are glorious. Myself, horse-Toros and Tricky tramping through the countryside, seeking our elusive prey. This is proper kingly business - all that nonsense about smugglers, public works and diplomacy is just nonsense. This is what it is all about!
Then we get the news...
My men and I are hot on the trail and then we hear it...
A deep, sonorous roaring - the kind that can only come from the breast of a monster. I see the look on my men's faces.
They're scared.
Terrified even.
Truth be told - I've never heard a sound like this before.
However, to me, it's not scary.
It's glorious.
Beautiful even.
Leaping down from Toros, I grab my finest hunting spear and, together with Tricky, head off on our own towards the sound.
Pretty sure I hear one of the men whisper "He's so brave..."
Damn right, kiddo.
Eventually, we catch sight of our prey.
As it recedes into the night, I tip it a salute with my spear. Good bye, noble foe. We will meet again soon, I don't doubt.
Will the White Tiger return? Will anyone else be packed off to China? Will the Queen see through the "hunting" ruse? Find out on the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!
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I feel like Artashes is doing a better job destroying his interpersonal relationships than the demon that possessed Duke Vahag. At least the demon actually cared, even if it was ‘cared’ in the sense of wanting vengeance on Vahag. Suenik: where the smart ones are evil, the good ones are stupid, and the middling ones are always on the verge of a stress induced heart attack.
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I'm a huge fan of "nonsense" and as silly as you want to be. I was really hoping the White Tiger joined the menagerie with Toro (the horse and not son) and Tricky. A man needs his entourage.
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Nothing good comes from marrying your daughter to the King of England, unless you define a rescue mission to Ireland as good. Thank you for the rapid updates
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Artashes isn't amazingly good at the interpersonal stuff, as you have astutely pointed out. None of his vassals are particularly fond of him. Amusingly, the only stress his affected with seems to come from the fact that he's got about twenty women on the go at one time...
Suenik: come for the nonsense, stay for the animals.
You may actually be prophetic here. This will feature prominently in some future updates. CK has a wonderful way of making you regret whimsical decisions decades later...
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CHAPTER 35 - WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HAT?
SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 35 - WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HAT?
(1209-1217)
CHAPTER 35 - WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HAT?
(1209-1217)
Back home, the Gardman-Agbhania household is riven by the wailing and gnashing of teeth.
No, I've not packed another beloved child off to foreign shores before you all start looking at me like that.
Seems like whilst I've been out pursuing the elusive White Tiger, my wife's dear old mare has passed away. Being the great husband I am - and wanting to curry favour after the whole "marrying first born to a heretic king" affair - I splash the cash and get her a fine, white mare.
I call her (the horse - not my wife!) "Girl Toros".
Wife mollified, I discreetly send second-born-daughter off to marry some Baltic chief.
This guy's so desperate for a wife he agrees to my stipulation that all his offspring be Gardman-Agbhanias. When Berjoubi shows up he's probably going to regret being so accommodating and letting her rule the roost. She can be a bit demanding.
Like most Gardman-Agbhania women...
Speaking of whihc, before my wife can find out why second-born's room is being cleared out by the servants, I head for the hills.
However, those blissful happy moments spent with Tricky and Horse-Toros depopulating the countryside of small, furry creatures are cut short when a breathless messenger from the castle calls me back with a problem.
I take one look at the note and boom "READY MY HORSE! I'LL GET RID OF THE SCOUNDREL!"
My servant points out that I'm already sitting on my horse, but I ignore him and spur Horse-Toros back to the castle. TO ARMS!
Several weeks later, myself and my men find the bandit camp, and quickly and silently we locate the leader of the raiders.
Before he can so much as explain his presence in my lands, I'm on him, and one brief tussle later and we've got a new head to grace Traitor's Gate in the city!
Back home, I find my wife redecorating the royal bed chambers with gaudy and expensive looking silks. Before I can politely enquire "HOW THE HELL CAN WE AFFORD THIS, O LIGHT OF MY LIFE?" she smiles and hands me a massive that our chancellor received whilst I was "out playing at soldiers".
Seems that we are very much in the money!
However, I also smile to myself, as this message gives me a great idea. One of my many treacherous cousins - Vahan - has lately proven to be a bit of a pain, what with all the plotting to have me killed. I had considered dealing with him in the same way that I dealt with Sarkis, and packing him off to rule over some godless savages, but instead, I approach him and ask him if he'd like a nice trip to China.
He agrees, but is slightly suspicious and wants to know if my sudden generosity comes with any strings attached? I suppress a snigger and advise that when it comes to this trip there is NOTHING attached.
Sometimes I even amuse myself.
Speaking of the new found wealth from the Silk Road, my marshal comes to me looking for some coins to advance some experiment a supposedly great inventor has come up with.
Always interested in being a patron of innovation, I write this off in the royal ledgers as "new hunting supplies".
In fact, it seems that the universe is intent on showing me that my shrewd investing strategy will pay off. There is a blare of trumpets in the courtyard and a caravan shows up. At first, I have a minor coronary and assume that this is my wife's latest order of redecoration supplies, but then I'm told that I have visitors.
I'm not sure what most of these trinkets are, but I am very happy with the lovely, lovely chest of gold that they leave with us.
Nice chaps, those Polos.
Months pass - business continues as usual.
And then, I get some sad news.
According to my physician, the poor old soul passed away in bed with a look of peaceful contentment on her face.
And blood crusted around her mouth.
And several silver tipped arrow heads lodged in her back.
Bless you mother - it's how you would have wanted to go.
I have her reamins burnt.
Thankfully, my grief is short-lived, as my - slightly sooty - marshal comes to me bursting with excitement.
I order the insights to be immediately implemented.
Once this is over and done with, my Patriarch holds a ceremony in the royal chapel when I say all sorts of wonderful things about the Miaphysite faith.
What's that? Have I become a religious man? Is this going to see a new chapter in our tale, as Artashes the Pure takes the throne.
Fat chance.
To be honest, I'm not sure about the whole Mia / Mono debate or why they're different, however I am absolutely bloody sick of courtiers banging down my door and asking me if I had "heard the good news" or otherwise trying to dob in other courtiers who believe something different from me...
Hopefully this move will earn me some peace.
However, my new found piety seems to prove enormously attractive to some of the ladies at court.
Months pass - this time with no bastards rearing their heads. I worry that maybe I'm losing my touch. Then, I receive some great news - Toros has come of age!
My son, obviously, not Horse Toros. To be honest, Horse Toros is looking a bit rough around the ages. I may be looking for a Horse Toros The Second soon...
My son looks at me with a slightly sad look in his eyes - it appears that I was having the whole "horse Toros" conversation out loud. I smile, clap him on the shoulder, and yell "BRING US WHORES AND ARMENIAN POMEGRANATE WINE, FOR MY SON IS NOW A MAN!"
He looks slightly awkward and explains that he'll be fine with just the wine, and could we see about a royal marriage as he'd like to "secure the inheritance" as soon as possible.
This boy is proving to be a disappointment already...
None the less, we get the royal scribes to do some digging through lineages, and we find a suitable candidate - a candidate that also means that Toros junior will find himself inheriting some more land if he plays his cards right.
Toros is giddy with excitement, so, to celebrate, I make him Baron of my holiday home in Klarjeti and pack him off with a slap on the back, a yell of "GOOD MAN!" and a case of pomegranate wine.
A few weeks later, I receive a rather irate messenger at the castle.
Hmmm.
This is odd.
Leaving the messenger standing there, I stride from my chamber and yell "SADDLE MY HORSE! I RIDE FOR TOROSLAND!"
A few days later, I find the cause of the messenger's consternation.
No. Not Toros' new found taste in hats (although that leaves a LOT to be desired) but the fact that the little berk has only gone and got himself married...
...TO A LOWBORN.
WHO IS ALSO A HEATHEN?!?!?!
Toros...
My boy...
What the hell were you thinking?
He pouts and declares that you can't fight the course of true love...and then admits that the problem may lie with the pomegranate wine - its very moreish. So moreish in fact, that one morning after an extended drinking bout he found himself awakening in a village hut with a smiling Cicek next to him and her extended family peering in the doorway and giving him a thumbs up.
Great.
While I'm not bothered about the lowborn bit - who doesn't like a bit of rough after all? - he needs to clean up his religious act. It's enough that I get courtiers flocking to me complaining about my ecclesiastical leanings, but I'm not fielding queries about him too!
Back home, Lousin has finally taken the hint that I'm not that interested in her any more.
She looks at me imploringly for my decision. I know she wants me to say "Oh please don't go oh love of my life - my life will be but an empty shell with you absent" but, instead of doing that, I put an arm around her shoulder, declare "GOOD MAN!", put my fingers to my mouth and whistle for the courtiers to come and prepare her luggage.
She weeps tears of joy.
To be honest, I happy she's off to China, as being Number One Stallion in the Kingdom is proving to be pretty exhausting, and it's one of the reasons I've been so snappy lately.
One thing does cheer me up. It seems like Toros has been busy with his filthy pagan wife, and has actually managed to spawn a half Armenian / half whatever-the-hell-she-is offspring.
AND THEY NAMED THE LITTLE CHAP AFTER ME! TRULY HE WILL BE A MIGHTY AND WISE RULER (unlike the snivelling, heathen-loving, disappointment I've produced)!
Preparations to celebrate the royal birth are well underway. My wife has ordered a lavish feast be held, and we've spent a small fortune on food, drink and entertainment. All the great and the good of the land are coming, and I've even had the royal speech writers compose some moving and touching words about the latest addition to the Gardman-Agbhania dynasty.
Weeks pass, and the guests start to arrive. On the night of the feast, I'm sitting at the head of the top table, my son and heir by my side along with HIS HEIR - Artsashes II. I stand, about to make my speech when one of my marshal's messengers scuttles over with an important missive.
Oh.
I look down at my son, cradling his son in his arms, a look of expectant love on his face. The room has gone silent, all eyes are on me. The speech in front of me is LONG. There's an entire section dedicated to the reign of count Grigor and how he laid the foundation for this kingdom that we enjoy today. The right thing to do would be to let the court know just how happy and proud I am with my son and heir for ensuring another generation of royal rule. It will certainly stand Toros in good stead for the future.
However...
Every minute spent on this speech is a minute that the white tiger could be loping off to pastures new...
My son smiles at me - pure love and admiration radiating from his eyes. No I need to do the right thing. I owe it to him to ensure that my vassals love and respect him...well, not like they love and respect me as I'm pretty sure they don't, but to at least lay a good foundation for his rule. My silly hunt can wait. After all, what is another trophy compared to cementing the foundations of your son's reign?
Then I see that empty space over the doorway to the great hall and realise just how good the white tiger's head would look hanging above it and how people would instantly want to talk about it and praise me for felling such a mighty beast.
I clear my throat.
"MY LORDS AND LADIES!" I boom. Reaching down, I sweep up my grandson in my hands and hold him aloft like a trophy. "I HAVE A GRANDSON!" I pass the baby down to my wife - who has turned a thunderous shade of purple for some reason - and haul my son to his feet. Glancing down at the speech I realise that I haven't really committed much of it to memory, and instead resorted to yelling "GOOD MAN!" slapping Toros on the back so hard that he face plants into his venison, before vaulting the table and yelling "SADDLE MY HORSE! I RIDE FOR AZERBAIJAN!"
Pretty sure I nailed that.
Has Artashes nailed it? Will the elusive white tiger be found? Will Toros bear a festering resentment towards his father? Find out on the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!
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Oh, the dangers of pomegranate wine, lowborn pagan foreign daughter-in-law. To think, local whores can be used to celebrate a son's coming of age; as the Despot of Epirus, I took mine on a zoological study. We found the best Cathouse in Cairo after many tries. How many children has Artashes fathered? Thank you very much for updating
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Everyone is Suenik is constantly weeping tears...sometimes they're of joy.
The Best Cathouse in Cairo sounds like an arthouse film that would be nominated for best picture at the Oscars. As for Artashes, counting legitimate children and legitimised bastards he had ten children. I honestly lost count of those who managed to avoid being outed as royal bastards - there's at least another half dozen there! Artashes does brag about a lot of stuff, but he's not idly boasting when it comes to his fertility!
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That hat is indeed something else. That alone should have him barred from succession. Clearly he does not make good decisions. As for the White Tiger...mayhap instead of beheading the beast, replace old horse-Toro with Tiger-Toro and ride THAT! Think maybe the Mongols might worry about invading again.
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You know, if I was decent enough at modding if / when Artashes finds the tiger I'd be inclined to plug that in. Riding around on a massive tiger (preferably made of lighting or something) would very much be his thing!
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People Watch - 1220
PEOPLE WATCH
1220
1220
I thought it was time that we take a short break from the insanity of Artashes' day to day and instead have a quick look at what's happening in the wider world.
First up, the map...
Nothing exceptional here apart from (of course) the ruddy great Mongol Empire. Artashes tells himself that if it wasn't for those Mongols, Suenik would be vast and expansive. Telling himself this keeps his dismay at not being a mighty conqueror in check...
Next up, some people... Now, whenever I do a people watch I like to look at the outliers - those little rarities that might be kicking about the map. So, I decided to see how the Aztecs were getting on, given that they launched their invasion pretty early.
Oh - only two left...
Wait.
That can't be right.
I remember them being all conquer-y back in the day. Have they REALLY chucked it all away?
As it turns out, no they haven't. They control most of Iberia and Morocco, and have rebranded themselves as the Kharakhanid Khaganate. Clearly they had a massive change of heart where religion was concerned when they arrived in Europe, as their current leader is Sunni, but he's also sympathetic to Jewish and Christian religions! So much for ripping out the hearts of your foes upon pyramids stained with lakes of blood. The Aztecs got soft when they settled in lovely, sunny Iberia.
Also, I'm amused by the irony of them occupying modern day Spain.
Speaking of religion, what's the world like in 1220?
This is the reason I keep getting all those Greeks knocking down my doors to tell me about how amazing it is being Orthodox...
Also, it must suck to be Sunni. They've got dozens of provinces following their ways, and yet they have less moral authority that Nestorians who have a grand total of 0 counties adhering to their faith.
Must. Try. Harder.
I blame the crusaders.
Now that we've looked at religion, let's take a peek at the great and good of the land. First up, we have THE most prestigious person in the CK world at the moment.
Curiously, he's also the king of France's peon, which is odd. However, he has managed to take a huge great chunk out of said King's realm which makes this doubly confusing.
Something that should be comforting to ardent Suenikites is the fact that a surprising amount of very important people in the CK world are in fact lunatics. And by that I don't mean "Oh look at him - he's curaaaaaaazeeeee!" but instead "He's actually certifiably insane".
There is hope for Suenik yet! Look at the king of France - he woke up one day and said "I'm changing my name to 'mash the keyboard and see what happens'".
The "overachiever of 1220" award goes to the King of Scotland who, despite being a legitimised bastard, managed to take the throne from his other - legitimate - brothers.
Although, given his martial stat that shouldn't be surprising!
Also high on the "double hard bastard" board is the Count of Östergötland. No, I didn't know where it was either (apologies to any Swedish readers!) but he has tenaciously held out against all of those around him who want to absorb his tiny county.
Again, looking at his martial stat, you can see why.
I mentioned early that the big old blob of Mongols is very frustrating to Artashes' dreams of conquest. However, if they weren't in the way, I've got a feeling he would go straight for this guy, solely so he could claim his crest.
Finally, it appears that the Protector General of the Western Protectorate is a Protector General in name only. For whatever reason, his Mongol overlords are happy to claim land in his name, but he never gets to rule any of it. Neither does he, it seems, get that funky hat that the Protector General normal gets...
It's a small detail, but if I had a cool title like "Protector General" I'd insist on a mad hat that oozes authority.
I hope you enjoyed that short peek into the world of Artashes in 1220. Next up - back to the story!
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Bonus Fun Fact
Also, bonus fun fact, Artashes is now my second longest reigning monarch. He's on just over 29 years, whereas Duke Vahag I has the record at 32. Anyone care to bet on whether he'll take the crown (pun intended)?
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An AI Nenets Suomenusko Volga-Ural Emperor is a serious overachiever! 307 county Hindu is very strong, are Mongols Hindu? Thank you for taking us around the world