SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 41 - LOOKS LIKE MEAT'S BACK ON THE MENU!
(1237-1241)
Remember how Suenik used to be this backwater nothing of a state, where the people cowered in fear from their mightier neighbours? Well, now - under my astute statesmanship - the capital has become a veritable bastion of learning!
I mean, the scholars have clearly not heard about the ongoing epidemic, or else are purposefully ignoring the piles of wheezing and dying peasants that litter the streets. That being said, "Hey look - new schools and nobody to fill them as they're all dying of consumption!" is fittingly Suenikian...
Another thing that is fittingly Suenikian is "people who will take advantage of hard times to try and line their own pockets".
I'm almost giddy with excitement! Last time this happened, we had a good old war. I'm in the midst of trying to strap on my armour - not easy with one hand - and yelling at my groom to have Toros saddled for war, when I realise two things.
1) Toros passed away a long time ago
2) My spymaster is yelling at me in that loud, slow voice reserved for the dear, the old and the infirm that patriarch Symmachos is safely ensconced in my dungeons.
I hold my face in my hands and start weeping and shrieking uncontrollably. After a good couple of minutes of this, my spymaster and groom are suitably embarrassed, and slowly slink out of my room. I remain there for the rest of the day, gazing out of the window at the burnt out ruins of the old stable.
Speaking of burning, it appears we've now got a witch problem in Suenik.
It only stands to reason that she's probably behind all of this epidemic nonsense, so I have my new Patriarch fire up the pyre - HEY! THERE'S THAT POETRY AGAIN! Must remember to ask Vachgan for more of whatever it was he put in that pipe...
Surprisingly, listening to the mournful and agonised screams of a burning woman seems to have worked wonders on my mood.
To celebrate, I order that a Great Feast be held. And yes, I know that we're cloistered in the castle, and there's barely enough food to go around, but with my new found thriftiness what could go wrong? MORE ARMENIAN POMEGRANATE WINE!
Someone who proves that he is not a lover of fine Armenian wines, is Duke Ioannes.
Apparently my gathering will be a "super spreader event".
Whatever that is.
More fool him - the feast was absolutely amazing - he totally missed out! We ate, we danced, we revelled AND IT WAS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!
I'm sure this consensus had nothing to do with me standing by the door as my guests left and barking "So WaS tHiS bRiLlIaNt oR wHaT??!?!?", grinning madly and jabbing my stump in their direction until they made some kind of positive noises.
That being said, this being Suenik, it becomes rapidly apparent that the party isn't the only thing that is dying down....
I rush to her side and start shrieking uncontrollably. She smiles and tousles my hair and tells me not to worry. I bound to my feet, hold a finger in the air, and dash off.
A grand gesture! Yes - a grand gesture of my love. Love conquers all, and if I show my love, Eugenia will recover. Yes? YES???!? THAT'S SCIENCE!
I pack one of my bastard children off to live with the Greece. SEE HOW MUCH YOUR MIGHTY WARRIOR LOVES YOU, MY DEAR!
However, whilst I might have comforted Eugenia, it appears that the ongoing epidemic doesn't give two hoots about grand gestures and continues to take its toll on the castle...
...however, whilst everyone else is flapping and panicking, I just sit there shaking my head. Fear does strange things to people, one of which is that it impairs their ability to think clearly. Not me though - I have faced down the White Tiger of Suenik after all! Very little scares me. No - while the little people run around shrieking (curiously, a lot of said shrieking is along the lines of "We should never have had that bloody feast!"), I crawl around on the cellar floors enacting my master plan.
You see, we haven't LOST the food. It just happens to be INSIDE the rats now...
I return to the throne room, mouth bloody and holding a brace of rodents. "HAHA!" I yell. "RATS FOR MY MEN! WE RIDE AT DAWN!"
Before I can be congratulated as "the saviour of starving Suenik" I'm pulled aside be Vachgan who has some grim news...
I bite into a particularly chunky rat as I mull this over - pausing only to spit out clumps of hair. Note to self - have the servants shave the rats before serving them. Vachgan pales slightly as he hears the bones crack and some yellow marrow drips from the side of my mouth.
Wiping rat juice from my beard, I nod sagely whilst gesticulating with a half chewed rat, and tell Vachgan to have Latavri thrown from the castle. We can't have the infected eating into our limited supply of delicious rodents. "NO EXCEPTIONS!" I boom, before putting an arm around Vachgan and offering him a piece of rat.
He declines.
And runs to the latrine.
I hope HE'S not ill.
My rationing system seems to be going well. Everyone is showing some good Suenikian spirit and being very polite about it all. Every time rats are offered around my courtiers are all "No, please - you first" to each other. Absolutely splendid folks.
Of course, this is Suenik, and Gurgen has to go and spoil it for everyone.
He looks at me pleadingly, imploringly. I've known Gurgen for years - trusted him even. Back in the glory days he was one of my battlefield commanders, riding with me against the enemies of Suenik.
He is also, however, a gluttonous pig...
Thankfully, much like the rats, the solution is obvious. The food he stole isn't GONE - it's just INSIDE Gurgen...
I was going to say that Gurgen is the reason we can't have nice things, but actually, thanks to Gurgen, we ARE having nice things. That night we dine well - nobody questions where the enormous quantities of roasted meat came from.
I really must commend the castle's cooks. That was an absolutely splendid meal. With enough herbs and spices anything can taste good. Standing shakily, I raise a goblet and toast "TO GURGEN!" before giggling hysterically and falling back into my seat. The penny drops, and I can see some people staring in horror at their plates, whilst other have gone an odd shade of green. I throw my goblet in the air and stagger from the room towards my bedchamber leaving behind me a room full of hushed conversations and tears.
A few months later, Tamar ensures that the nobility of Suenik are saved from starvation once again.
This time, with the growing food shortages, more people are prepared to look the other way. Seems Tamar was never as popular as Gurgen, but I am thinking of instituting an order of "The Suenikian Culinary Martyrs".
Oddly enough, in a way that is classically Suenikian, the screams of the dying, the epidemic and the horrors of cannibalism emanating from the castle in palpable waves don't seem to have had any discernible effect on countryside as a whole, and the good people of the kingdom prove that they are happiest and most resilient when things are going horribly, spectacularly wrong.
Or do they mean "prospers" as in "prospecting for gold"?
Regardless, I stay holed up in the castle. I'm feeling very, VERY rough, but Vachgan assures me that I'm not suffering from consumption. I'm not doubting him, but it feels like my nerves are ablaze.
None the less, I have no desire to be around anyone who might be keen to pass it on to me. Therefore, when I see Lady Helene hacking her guts up I enforce my zero tolerance policy and have her flung out of the castle.
"NO EXCEPTIONS!"
Gah.
You try and do your best for people and what do THEY do? They hide diseases from you and risk infecting everyone else, that's what they do!
Look at all I've done for them!
They get three square meals (of dubious provenience) per day, they've got a roof over their heads, and they're free from the threat of foreign marauders. Granted, the last point is largely down to the fact that not even the staunchest horse lord would dare set foot within the boundaries of Suenik at the moment for fear of catching something foul, but still; a win's a win.
I'll tell you what though, I don't feel like I'm winning...
"VACHGAN!"
Are you sure I'm ok? I really feel awful. Listen to that coughing - it's horrible.
Wait.
That's not me...
What did I tell you Vachgan! I shakily press my hands into the arms of my throne and half raise myself. When my voice comes, it's a hoarse rattle.
"NO EXCEP...oh..."
My words trail off.
My courtiers are staring at me as I painfully straighten and hobble from where I was sitting to where Kyriake stands. She's looking nervous, but she needn't worry. Throughout everything, she was the one that stood by me; even when I was - if I'm completely honest - a bit of a shit.
She was dependable...
Not like a horse, you understand, but pretty good for a human - and loyal.
I try and smile.
OW!
Why is even smiling painful?
I put my arms around her - it feels like my whole body is on fire - and as I lean into the embrace I hear the shocked gasps go up from the assembled court just as my legs give way. Kyriake shrieks, but I'm ok with that - she was always my favourite. As I slump to the floor and darkness starts creeping across my vision I ignore the sea of frightened faces peering down at me, and instead focus on her.
Before I know it, she's on her knees to me weeping and wailing.
I give a rictus of a smile and whisper "good man".
Courtiers are running to and fro - some screaming for Vachgan, others for Toros.
I manage one more smile.
They'll be fine.
Everyone will be fine.
Events like this are character building.
What now for Suenik? Will Toros live up to his manly name? Will he shepherd Suenik through the epidemic? Find out on the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!
