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A little indulgent. Everyone loved the teaser last time though so decided to mark the split of when the 'official' tutorial ends and the 'game' begins. Although, as it turns out, I actually didn't give PTM enough credit and they genuinely had what I think is a pretty good idea for further teaching.
I found the customisation controls!
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Ah, I see this next section will be about the Church.
Only a little bit. Although it is disturbing how many Prince archbishops keep getting done for their wicked sinful ways. In fact, so many and with such regular occurrence that I think Alexander II is trying to wage a one man war against Naughty Naughty Bishops in the Catholic Church.
He's not going to suceed, but he contues to increase in my estimation. No stupid religious decrees. Two gifts of money no strings attached. And now going after abuses of power in the system. Good show.
I expect him to suffer an unfortunate accident any day now.
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I tend to disagree.
It is good we have not lost our grasp of the obvious.
Adding poems is an excellent way to offer some variety. Tgat poem is really motivating for any would be ck3 criminal player
Hell yeah lemme murder my wife and destroy my brother because it's better to reign in hell than serve in heaven!
Cool stuff
Hell yeah lemme murder my wife and destroy my brother because it's better to reign in hell than serve in heaven!
Cool stuff
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I suppose. Though with context, it's Satan trying to psyche up his supporters from their abject misery, seen as God has just invented Hell and thrown them in it.
Well...we better hope Ged doesn't have any more children then...
Repeating this, because it's just as true now as it was then.
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Yes. An excellent study in sympathising with the devil, despite literally everything he does, because of what he says.
Too kind. But this has been fun to do so far.
This is just silly. First they couldn't stand each other and now they can't keep their hands off each other. It's bizarre.
By the way, the game is possibly the most anti-blob I've seen in a default paradox game. Almost everyone starts with various inheritance rules that demand the realm gets split several ways upon character death. And the only way to change it to a better system is to play until a given set time period and tech level.
This does several things. One, its much more chaotic and historically accurate for earlier periods. Its hard to create a stable realm with inhertance being that chaotic.
Two, the HRE and Byzantine Empire have massive advantages over everyone else. They have better options both for inheritance and laws in general (voting for heirs and higher tech in general respectively). They thus are the powers in their respective areas and frequently batter everyone else around with ease.
Three, realms split at random, at any time and take decades to reassemble if they ever do. The HRE itself is vulnerable to this, which I saw in my game as three big duchies split off.
Four, the summit of these changes is that there are genuine reasons why you would want to be a king again in ck3, rather than boost to emperor ASAP. One realm you try and keep together, family lands you have to repair after each death.
So far...this is positive stuff.
By the way, the game is possibly the most anti-blob I've seen in a default paradox game. Almost everyone starts with various inheritance rules that demand the realm gets split several ways upon character death. And the only way to change it to a better system is to play until a given set time period and tech level.
This does several things. One, its much more chaotic and historically accurate for earlier periods. Its hard to create a stable realm with inhertance being that chaotic.
Two, the HRE and Byzantine Empire have massive advantages over everyone else. They have better options both for inheritance and laws in general (voting for heirs and higher tech in general respectively). They thus are the powers in their respective areas and frequently batter everyone else around with ease.
Three, realms split at random, at any time and take decades to reassemble if they ever do. The HRE itself is vulnerable to this, which I saw in my game as three big duchies split off.
Four, the summit of these changes is that there are genuine reasons why you would want to be a king again in ck3, rather than boost to emperor ASAP. One realm you try and keep together, family lands you have to repair after each death.
So far...this is positive stuff.
That all does sound pretty positive. Not that I've played full campaigns on anything except Vicky for a long time, but reading the odd megacampaign one thing that always strikes me is how Europe is inevitably divided between something like seven incredibly stable blobs by like 1600. So if paradox have gone to town on stability a bit in CK3 that makes things a lot more interesting.
Nothings certain yet but it sure looks like they've sorted it. It means that euiv actually serves its historical period purpose of consolidation and state building, and Victoria can focus on empire and nation building.
And HOI can focus on Nazis!
Will be interested to see the first megacampaigns whether this holds up in practice. (I say that, for all I know they're already out there and I’m just too out of touch…) I’ve never given one a shot because I never quite trusted the game engine to keep it reasonably plausible (and not at all because I’m actually terrible at EU and HOI. No sir.) Maybe once I finally get CK3 I’ll do a game.
Dress-Up Ged
Dress-Up Ged
Alright Ged, I’m going to teach you an important series of lessons about how to come back from defeats. Excuse me? What do you mean why? Ged, are you actually feeling responsible for those hundreds of deaths? Oh Ged. Sweet Ged.
Ged, dear boy, you don’t need responsibility when you’re rich.
Sure, okay, we lost an army. Here’s how we buy another one. A better one even. Better at killing, and won’t have to come home with us. More murder, and fewer consequences! Isn’t it amazing?
Ged…Ged…look mate, clearly this has got to you in a big way so here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m going to go buy the army and send them off to burn down Oriel and then we’ll strip you naked and give you a makeover.
…
Stunned silence is better than the sobbing, I suppose.
What do you do with a spare army?
Dear readers, as you can see, we are a little weakened by prior mistakes but thankfully, CK3 has improved mercenaries to the point that they are able to be used slightly more tactically than before. Time was that you put a starter lump sum down on a band, and then they slowly drained your accounts of money as time passed. If anything made you lose all your money, the mercenaries would either disband or join the enemy. Whilst this is indeed what happened historically, especially in the Italian Peninsula, CK3 has I think a better concept. You put your lump sum down and then you have the mercs for three years, no questions asked. And no, they still don’t count as levies so you can go straight from war to war with ease. Indeed, it’s value for money to do several short wars in quick succession now with this deal.
He has so many looks. He's a man for all seasons. Although nothing at all like Thomas Moore
Time to go shopping! There are quite a few garments to choose from since any character can wear anything from any culture’s dress. Turbans, woolly hats and pointy crowns are very ‘in’ in Ireland right now apparently. As are shiny gold tunics. There is however a fierce gender divide, so no wearing dresses. Emperors in prisoner rags are fine, Satanists dressed like Hospitaller Knights are fine, but wearing a dress is just incomprehensible to Ged.
Very much a HBO mini-series look going on here
We can also magically tear out and grow his hair, and change its colour using radioactive magic (he is indeed a natural ginger so why would I change it?). This current look is a bit more stereotypically ‘tribal’ and ‘Celtic’ but it just doesn’t scream madness like-
Why...would anyone NOT pick this one?
I think we have a winner. Beautiful locks indeed. Now…let’s do his wife.
...well, it matches her personality
Well, that dress is an improvement. The hair on the other hand could use some work. Not quite sure why she or her servants decided to shave her head as we threw away her old clothes.
God Save Ged from the Queen
Hmm. Very much the High Queen. That does remind me however that we didn’t give Ged a crown worthy of his image.
Finally, a true symbol befitting of his status in this world
Much better. Now, onto Oriel!
Burning this Irish county down will teach the Welsh to stay outta our business!
The problem with this war is that though the army the enemy brought is bigger and better than ours, and though they defeated us in battle, we still have gigantic advantages over them. They have four castles to siege. We have one. Whilst they sit outside my capital wasting time, I can win the whole war. It’s not exactly fair, but then again in real life, this tended to happen. Defeat doesn’t mean shit to people who can retreat back into an entire country whilst there’s only one invading army, and one point of failure for them.
I need to bear this in mind if for some reason I ever want Ged to invade England.
I wonder if there is anything to be gained from Learning this time? There really wasn't in CK2 unless you were trying to become a Saint...
Ged’s experience has reached a point where he is very good at shouting and waving his arms around. This makes him good at giving orders, which naturally means everyone obeys him more. It’s an interesting lifestyle system really, since there’s a lot of scope for variation and roleplay, and at the end of a set tree you get a permanent character trait. That’s not counting all the little bonuses you get for commanding men, march and siege speed etc. Martial focuses seem robust and valuable. I can only imagine what the intrigue options open up for characters. Presumably it turns your character into Sean Connery at his peak where he can seduce lesbians and get everyone to spill their darkest secrets to him by getting captured.
So...Ged has learnt nothing regarding the consequences of his actions and Paradox was watching us the whole time. Hooray?
War is over yet of course we still have the mercenaries for three years…hmm. In the meantime, it turns out PTM actually had a pretty good idea on how to tutorial the rest of the game. Instead of more railroading as before, every so often a trigger or a time limit passes and a new bout of messages appear from them telling us how to use a specific section of the game. This is rather useful and organic as a learning system. I am unsure whether this is a dirty Paradox trick or genuinely good game design.
Nah...
We could invade another county at this point to get more land for a vassal, but I don’t see the point. I need to expand Ged’s personal power base first. Which means I need to create some family lands for the game to tear apart with the horror of medieval inheritance rituals. Speaking of which…
Why is Brittany such a horrible colour? And why are the default Welsh ones always shades of brown?
Ah, we have a new King of England. And he’s still fighting the Norwegians, who are still in northern England after three years of war. I wonder how long that will last? Maybe I’ll try to sway him just to see what happens. He’s far too busy and important so probably nothing, but this is a testing ground after all.
You may be wondering; didn’t you and Ged go home and meet the family for the first time? What insanity beheld you when you arrived? Well, for a good two weeks, nothing. And then, inevitably:
The fuck is wrong with you, woman? Why are you telling Ged this in the gardens?
When did we get a palace gardens? WHO PAID FOR THOSE BLOODY FOUNTAINS?
I suppose this is final confirmation that Urraka is not entirely sane. She is at the very least, unhealthy obsessed with Ged. And unfortunately, Ged still retains enough basic humanity to not order her to starve herself for his amusement. So instead, he’s signed himself up for sleeping whilst she stands at the foot of his bed, staring at him all night.
I’m beginning to have doubts about Ged’s mental health as well.
Well, at least she apparently can design and build a nice courtyard. Which, considering Irish tech right now, is pretty impressive
Apparently, the witch is still mortal enough that her body can drop in exhaustion, and apparently very susceptible, since this occurred an hour after she promised to forego rest. Ged’s response is to snark over her collapsed form, whilst I and now you dear reader look on in mild horror. And apparently, he does this every night for five years.
Clearly, it is better to keep these reprobates busy with war and politics. Asking them to act like people is so beyond them that one dead faints away while the other drives himself to exhaustion celebrating.
'My Winsome Stallion!' Good grief, apparently he is lightening under the bedsheets after all
Two days later, she’s rebounded from her great sleep (much like many AAR writers) and is back at it, promising the moon and stars for Ged’s heart. Hopefully not literally. It does amuse me that if I ask for rare flowers or fine jewellery, she has the option to ‘refuse’, implying that she already has these items stashed on her person. If I ask for a wolf’s heart however, she can either get it or ‘fail’. Well…the choice is obvious.
My dear Urraka, in the depths of the darkest Dark Forest, there exists a White Wolf of great size and ferocity. It has slain and eaten many maidens and all the men sent to kill it. I want you to travel alone at night into its hunting grounds and kill it, skin it and bring me the pelt and heart of the Man-Eater. Do this, and I will be moderately impressed, and Ged will be very disappointed. Though not enough that I won’t force him to sleep with you.
And so, off this small, unarmed woman goes. The percentage odds are not in her favour. Sure enough, three days later…
How...did you do that?
Well. That potentially confirms her magic and at the very least her prowess. So, Ged, you have yourself an obsessive wife who can kill wolves with ease and wants to have your babies. Try not to scream too loud next time, ok?
Good…
What a timely excuse-I mean, wonderful next step in our aim for global domination. Of Ireland
Unbelievable. Ged, you lucky bastard. Alright, cancel the sex! We’re off to war again. No need to look so relieved, my minion.
A little dog picks on an even smaller mouse. This isn't animal cruelty, it's historically important sport
This is a seriously inferior and friendless foe, so this both serves as a simple way to expand the realm and more importantly, quickly get Ged back into his wife’s entertainingly strong clutches. Then again, we are going to have to take a penalty for some reason. If you do not possess the prestige to declare war, you may still go for it, it just costs a large fame penalty.
I don’t know what fame is. I can’t even find it in the UI yet, so I doubt it is important. If it turns out to be extremely important, I’m sure PTM will show up to scream at me as soon as I’ve spent some. That being said, prestige gain has been nerfed considerably, since I will eventually end up with negative 400, despite having won every war I get into.
And so, for (dubiously) no penalty, we go to war to murder my good Christian neighbour and his friends for selfish personal gain! The battle will not be legendary, but perhaps I can land Ged in an even worse Hell than this one by the time his life comes to an end…
So, what have we learnt today?
- There is something seriously wrong with Urraka.
- Ged has snazzy golden pyjamas.
- Consequences are for the poor and weak.
- Paradox really screwed up the Norman Conquest, but-
- PTM apparently knew what they were doing all along?
Till then, venerable readers, goodnight, and pray for Ged.
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Well, first you'll have to finish a game of CK. Which is pretty hard given it can go on for a long time. But yes, I have at least a little confidence that, if this works as advertised, there shouldn't be many big blobs around aside from the HRE (maybe), the Romans (maybe), and whatever Islamic, mongol or eastern empires manage to stick together after their conqueror dies. Even the player should struggle if starting earlier or on 1066, though I'm sure a work-around already exists if I cared to look for it online or in-game.
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I love that that army is apparently led by a guy named Madhmann. Completely appropriate for this world of insanity.
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Just wait - if they have kids then I am sure someone can magically change the paternity after the fact.