"A wargame is a game that represents a military operation."
That is the only portion that matters as to what a wargame is. Marriage is a side effect during a war not the actual war. Just like CK's dynasty building portion is a mere part of the wargame because if you want extended play of the wargame you have to produce offspring. It's no different than Total War series in that respect. If you don't produce a male heir you're kaput in that WARGAME.
Plus you hit the nail on the head of exactly how I play. I have lots of time I see no reason to be in a hurry I actually play on slow and very slow settings just so I can manipulate my army in this wonderful WARGAME. I play the dynasty game because as I said it is PART of playing the WARGAME. Also you seem to think I don't use all the elements of the game to play. Assassination is a part of WAR as well, and I use them on subjects that are causing me frustration in my wargame thus, making this a wonderful WARGAME as I said.
I have no troubles with old farts as I keep my court well packed with replacements as I don't send every daughter and every brother out into the world to reap their own rewards. I use them to pack my court full and get a lot of level 20 Miltary, Stewards, Spies and Diplomats. Yes the game has some nice breeding for STATS elements and I use those game mechanics for my WARGAME production elements.
I could care less how they look though as that is just plain silly when playing a wargame. I marry up my family based on stats not on looks. I build for POWER in my wargame. I get to manipulate those power settings by the events that happen to me during the game. If you have a low intrigue it's because you choose to have one. I have great intrigue numbers and can control many provinces. I breed for excellence and power.
Also, I'm pretty sure the designers meant for this to not only be a dynasty building game, but, a wonderful wargame as well. Else they would have just abstracted the wars completely and just had reports sent to you. There wouldn't have been manipulations of militia, pikemen, heavy infantry, cavalry, mounted archers, archers and knights. A wargame dosen't have to be WW2, Civil War, War of the Roses, Battles of Napoleon or Caesar's Wars to be a wargame. As the definition says all that has to be in place is "representing a military operation". Crusader Kings does "representation of a military operation" very well. Not detailed of course, but, still a representation.