WCfD Examination
I square bracket your name square bracket, being a student of World Conquest in possession of my wits, health, and a considerable portion of money, do hereby pledge my word that the following questions will be answered to the best of my ability (small though it may be). I renounce any insurance claim on the most enlightened teacher, who has taught me all I needed to know, due to bopping, chopping, crunching, grabbing, slamming, thumping, whacking, whapping, or accidental or premeditated teacher inflicted grevious bodily harm. Neither shall I complain, when I notice the black marks I have earned through stupidity, be it hereditary or earned.
The examination consists of two (2) parts.
The first is a multiple choice questionaire. You must answer each of the following thirteen (13) questions as honestly as possible.
1. Which of the following statements most clearly reflects your style?
A) I just annexed Orleans
B) I need more diplomats for annexing
C) Bwhahahahahahahahahaaaha!
2. Which is your preferred annexation style?
A) The Way of the Dove: Careful diplomatic annexation of multiple nations following decades of vassalisation
B) The Zen Thingy: Diplomatic annexation occasionally, but usually military annexation
C) The Way of the Conqueror: Why waste money on diplomacy when you can buy troops?
3. How do you feel about friendly casualties?
A) I try to minimize them for humanitarian reasons
B) Standing in blood to my knees keeps my boots polished, or at leastred
C) Friends? What are you talking about?
4. Which of the following most clearly reflects your relations with your neighbours?
A) I like to carefully maintain good relations with my neighbours
B) I like to carefully maintain good relations with my neighbours, while adventuring abroad
C) Neighbours?
5. How are your opinions regarding the support limit?
A) I carefully keep my army below the support limit, to save money for worthier causes
B) I let my armysize break the support limit when needed, after a careful consideration of the consequences
C) With enough troops, nobody dares bitch about the support limit anyhow
6. Which of the following is closest to your opinion on rebels and revolts?
A) I fear rebels. I will maintain a vigilant watch while nationalism declines in my provinces. I will pause my conquests if certain areas consistently show positive revolt risk, until I have converted them or reduced the revolt risk by other means
B) I dislike rebels, but I will not let them stop me. Nevertheless, when I get more than ten revolts per month, I immediately stop any and all wars to focus on the rebel problem.
C) Who cares? If God had meant for rebels to succeed, he would have given them more cavalry
7. How challenging nations do you prefer to control in the simulation?
A) A major major, like Castile/Spain, France, the Ottomans, or Muscovy/Russia
B) A major, like Denmark, Portugal, or Venice
C) Timurids, Tibet, or other interesting countries
8. How do you go about exploiting the simulation
A) I will use every single exploit, no matter how scummy or unrealistic, and expect it to work when I receive my posting
B) I shall not loanshark, nor shall I artificially reduce my badboy rating
C) Who needs exploits when he can use cavalry?
9. What is your opinion on freedom of speech
A) A fundamental right of every man, woman, and peasant
B) Nice, so long as people don't critize me
C) Who cares? You are all serfs, do you hear me. Serfs! Serfs! Serfs!
10. How much innovativeness will you tolerate
A) A lot. Innovation is the mother of progress, and we are all individuals
B) A bit. Innovation is the mother of progress, but we need those missionaries
C) None. Innovation is the mother of revolts, and while I am an individual, you are all narrowly focused drones slaving your lives away to support the empire
11. How do you deal with inflation?
A) I never rack up any inflation due to my superior economic skills. I balance my budget even if it means delaying conquests, in order to avoid inflation
B) A little inflation never harmed anyone, if it was incurred in a good cause
C) 100% and counting
12. How is your attitude towards religious conversion
A) Freedom of religion. I won't impose my views on an unsuspecting populace
B) They can have any religion they want, so long as it is mine
C) Convert. CONVERT!. CONVERT!!
13. Against stupidity the Gods themselves contend in vain
A) Describes my playing style to a T. Or possibly a Y.
B) Is that a trick question?
C) But then, the Gods didn't conquer the world, did they? What a bunch of losers.
Scoring:
Now, for each A) answer, score 5 points. For each B) answer, score 10) and for each C) answer, score 20) points.
Several students have managed to excel during lessons, and even more students have commited acts of incredible stupidity. Remember, the only thing worse than being ignored by the Teacher is to be noticed.
Should you find your name on the following list, modify your score as indicated.
Avocado Aguila : -5 points
+5 (tried to warn the Teacher of Poland and Lithuania)
-10 (but why should those two nations scare anybody?)
Carligula : +10 points
+5 (made eminently sensible, though trivial, suggestions)
+5 (took off a nonexistent hat - that never fails to impress)
Carolus Rex: -50 points
-35 (constantly aggravated the Teacher)
-20 (survived corporal punishment)
+10 (constantly aggravated the other students)
+5 (finally received a fitting nickname, Carlos "the Rubberduck" Rex)
-20 (lobbed Lionheart's ass at the Teacher)
+10 (and succeeded in avoiding retribution for the deed)
+10 (attempted to extract lunch money from Ehrie using the threat of nuclear weapons, despite lacking the technology to build them)
-5 (put glue on the Teacher's seat)
-5 (remembered to collect his liver)
CesareB: +20 points
-5 (advocated being careful about annexing capitals)
+10 (advocated conquering provinces based on alphabetical selection. Especially k's and c's.)
+5 (did homework)
+10 (realised the inevitability of the Teacher's success)
Dan Cook: +0 points
-5 (whined about Sharur's staring at him)
-5 (was confused by the Teacher's syntax)
-10 (was not impressed by the Teacher's feeble conquests. And attempted to employ irony, repeatedly)
+15 (suggested that the Teacher's absence was due to alcohol)
-5 (fiddled with the simulator)
+5 (accused Carolus of loving to cheat)
+5 (and was right, too)
Daniel A: +15 points
+15 (humbly adressed the Teacher as Master)
Dustman: +10 points
-5 (brought club to class)
-5 (terrorised Lionheart)
+20 (but once confiscated, the club was a very useful educational device)
-5 (brought axe to class)
+10 (had one of the weirdest soliloquys heard in a long, long, time)
-5 (thumped Maur13 during class)
Dyrlac: +5 points
-5 (began the whole resetting inflation discussion)
+10 (and did a credible Hojo Bubu-junior impersonation)
Edgar Francis I: -15 points
-15 (suggested it was "I Am a Glutton For Punishment 204" class)
Ehrie: -15 points
-5 (overextended himself as Byzantium and quoted Confuscius)
+10 (asked for help to overcome aforementioned deficiencies)
-5 (noticed the Teacher's Castilian/Castilan slip of the tongue)
-10 (and reported it, loudly)
+5 (survived dehydration)
-10 (was frightened when Carolus Rex began building nuclear weapons)
Faeelin: +5 points
+5 (did a credible impersonation of King Henry)
FrosT37: +5 points
+5 (claimed Teacher was crazy)
G'Kar: -10 points
+5 (wishing Teacher good luck)
-5 (suggesting it might be needed)
+5 (read textbook)
-5 (copied homework in a desperate attempt to make up for missing lessons. Attempted to frame Lionheart together with Rictus)
-5 (suggested the Teacher had failed)
+5 (was impressed by the appointment of 200 governors)
-10 (but ought not to have been if he had been observing the situation closely)
Grunthex: +0 points
-5 (took the course to avoid homework)
+5 (was amused by Carolus Rex lack of fashion)
Hanseatic Steve: +5 points
+5 (transferred in, belatedly, and shut up)
Heagarty: -10 points
-5 (lied about passing the Maths for Megalomaniacs couse)
+10 (was on a football scholarship, so allowance was made for abject idiocy)
-5 (expected to have a really smart girl assigned to do his homework - not even a football scholarship can excuse such idiocy)
-10 (failed to solve the mystery of the Asshurling incident)
-10 (lobbed a concrete Donkey at the simulator)
+15 (forgot to collect his head after class)
-5 (had problems with conversions)
Kurtbrian: -5 points
-5 (failed lurker)
Legolas; +10 points
+5 (attempted World Conquest with Saxony)
+10 (kicked Carolus)
-5 (pestered Teacher)
-5 (distracted Teacher during a meteor shower)
+5 (showed genuine interest in the exam program)
Lionheart: -10 points
-10 (suggested cheating)
+5 (lost his ass)
-5 (had problems playing Portugal)
-10 (spilled blood on his books following the premature impact of Dustman's club on his head)
+10 (foiled Rictus' and G'kar's evil plans)
Lord Joseph: +10 points
+20 (attacked Marirosa for loansharking suggestion)
-5 (failed lurker)
-5 (slept in class)
Lt. Tyler: -5 points
-5 (pretended to be cool, but failed)
Mammut: +10 points
+10 (escaped from the mental hospital to join the class in the nick of time)
Marirosa: -15 points
-5 (had a hard time spotting irony)
+10 (but realised that students were, by definition, dummies)
-20 (suggested loansharking despite this not being the deranged gnome-world of New Zürich)
Maur13: -35 points
+10 (confused the inflation issue)
-30 (outperformed the Teacher)
-15 (bled in the simulator following being thumped by Dustman during class, causing several nasty random events)
Mimir: -20 points
+5 (suggested Aztec)
-20 (survived repeated corporal punishments)
-5 (had problems with the core provinces concept)
MrT: -40 points
-5 (confused as to the colour of Trebizond)
+10 (sucked up to Teacher)
+10 (did homework)
+5 (knew a substantially different approach to World Conquest)
-25 (but dared to state so during class, thereby undermining the Teacher's authority)
-5 (whispered in class)
+5 (noticed the Siedenbürgen/Siebenbürgen error)
-35 (and suggested it was caused by brain damage resulting from a stroke)
Norgesvenn: -15 points
+10 (claimed Teacher was a lunatic)
+5 (kept spamming with bad jokes)
-5 (wasted Teacher's valuable time with bad jokes)
-20 (survived repeated corporal punishments)
-5 (lied about taking the Maths for Megalomaniacs course)
Prufrock451: +10 points
-5 (believed Orleans to be ROTW)
+15 (prepared an excellent jerky from some of the weaker students and did many other useful and innovative things besides)
Rictus: -5 points
-5 (ran out on first lesson)
-5 (couldn't hold his water, so to speak, but we've all passed a lot of water since then)
+15 (managed not to shit himself despite tremendous provocation)
-10 (attempted to frame Lionheart together with G'Kar, but failed)
Sharur: -20 points
+10 (suggested Orleans or Zimbabwe)
-5 (stared at Dan Cook)
-10 (didn't like being labeled a dummy - was labeled student instead)
-5 (was proud that he had managed to annex Orleans)
-5 (was a glutton for punishment)
-5 (was proud that he had managed to annex Wurzburg)
Slayzer2: -10 points
-10 (had problems playing Hannover)
Soulitaire: +5 points
+5 (claimed the concept was interesting - and then shut up. Nothing like an engaged student)
Storey: -15 points
+5 (confused the inflation issue)
-5 (snickered loudly enough to be noticed. Bad move)
-5 (slept and snored)
-10 (called the Teacher a loser. Bad move. Really bad move)
USA patriot: +5 points
+5 (sucked up to Teacher)
Wasa: -20 points
-20 (was terminally late for classes)
+5 (but did read the textbook)
-5 (managed to overextend himself playing Ak Koyunlu)
ws2_32: +5 points
+5 (performed a calculation or two)
Wulfram: +10 points
+10 (claimed Teacher was a lunatic, twice)
Wyvern: +5 points
+5 (braved the Teacher's wrath asking about Tax Collectors)
Find your result in the table below
Given your score a spirit guide and a practical assignment will be meted out.
I scored less than 25 points
Being able to score less than the calculated minimum, you are the ultimate washout. Your spirit guide is a fluffy teddy bear, which died of fright the first time you received a DOW. You are advised to follow the class Pacifism for Pacemakers, rather than wasting your time, and others', on the noble art of World Conquest.
I scored 26-75 points
Your spirit guide is a fluffy teddy bear with big sad eyes. Listen carefully to its warnings, for it will undoubtedly have a better sense of danger than you. Your assignment is the major nation of your choice, and you are advised to loanshark, retake/release core provinces, and, in general, use each and every single exploit possible, or you will fail miserably. You will, of course, be horribly slaughtered on your first real assignment, but those are the breaks.
I scored 76-100 points
Your spirit guide is a rabbit. While it may be scared and end up in the stew, it has quick reflexes. You will need them to survive. Your assignment is the peaceful semi-major of your choice, like Bohemia, Denmark, Sweden, or Venice, and given your abject cowardice, you should use every exploit possible, in order to survive, and win. If you manage to limit your exploits, you may even stand a chance of survival (5% range) once you are transferred to your first pre-training mission, but don't count on it. The meek don't inherit the world until everybody else is dead, remember?
I scored 101-130 points
Your spirit guide is a poodle. Cute, kickable, and low-flying, but in the end, useless. Your assignment is the non-horde, non-Ottoman, and non-Timurid Shiite or Sunni nation of your choice. You will refrain from most exploits, and especially the retaking/releasing of core provinces to artificially lose BB points. You will likely be killed gloriously in a blaze of incompetence once you get into the field, in the tradition of so many other dummies.
I scored 131-160 points
Your spirit guide is a Cuckoo. Your assignment is Helvetia. You will base your conquest on loansharking, rejecting all other exploits. It is your dearest hope to be posted to the deranged Gnome-world of New Zürich. Unfortunately, you will most likely be posted somewhere else, and easten by something nastier than yourself.
I scored 161-200 points
Your spirit guide is an Eagle. Your assignment is the German one-province minor of your choice. You will refrain from exploits and base your campaign on blood and iron, and a slight bit of diplomacy to unite some of the other German minors. Your chances of success in your chosen profession is slight, but since when the the threat of imminent demise, disembowelment, and decapacitation stop a would-be conqueror?
I scored 201-225 points
Your spirit guide is a Wlak. While plodding, its might is unrivalled, and it will be of great use to you on your assignment to Nippon, as you balance outwards expansion with rebellions at home. Naturally, you will refrain from exploits. You will likely fail gloriously when you are finally dropped on your first real world to conquer, since it will work by slightly different rules than you are used to, but you will come close to succeeding.
I scored 226-250 points
Your spirit guide is a Dragon. Your assignment is the Golden Horde, The Timurid Empire, or the Aztec Empire. You will refrain from all exploits, and revel in the fact that you have been given the chance to excel. You will likely be a well-known WC'er a few centuries from now.
I scored 251-280 points
Your spirit guide is a transcended Teacher, and while you heed his advice, you don't really need it, as you boldly bestride the stage of the world, and direct your armies to conquest. You will glory in your nearly supernatural abilities, shrug off rebellions, and laugh in the face of adversity, as you guide the Chimu, Mataram or Tibet to glory! Refraining from all exploits, you will impose stricter rules on your own behaviour to make it harder for you to succeed, secure in the knowledge that it will stand you in good stead, when the time for the real wars begin.
I score 281 points, or even more!
Your spirit guide is a Dove - and you've eaten it, dummy. Cheating on exams led by the Teacher is not the smartest of moves, as I am sure my friends, Uncle Club and Uncle Axe, will teach you shortly. Please step out of my office so I can avoid bloodstains on my carpet.
None of the above
I told you to take the Math for Megalomaniacs course, dummy!
Simulator difficulty level:
The simulator should be set to very hard at all times. The aggression should be set to the setting you expect to make it hardest for you to succeed. Note that a too low aggression will make you nearly invulnerable until you reveal yourself and kick off the BB wars, so should be avoided at all costs.
But I want another nation. Wah!
Then do so. Apart from possible mutilation, death, and dishonour, there is nothing wrong in choosing a different nation for your practical assignment.
What is an exploit?
Basically anything the Teacher doesn't like for completely subjective reasons. These include, but are not limited to:
Reloading because things don't work out as you want them to: BANNED!
Encouraging a simulator CTD forcing you to reload a previously saved, and incidentally better, situation: BANNED!
Loansharking: the simulator is a sucker for a loan.
Retaking/losing core provinces: artificially lowers BB and is of no use once you are in the field. Banned.
Bankruptcy: while a few bankruptcies show a healthy economy, repeating it beyond three or four on purpose is silly.
Systematized looting over several years: exploits a simulator weakness because the owning nation still gains money to pay you off, while you get most of the benefits of its monthly income, and none of the problems. Acceptable if used rarely.
Leaving troops on foreign soil after war end without a legal excuse: unless it is because you have no way to extract them, this is exploiting a simulator weakness. If you've got military access there is no problem, of course.
Intentional turbo-annexing: exploits an AI weakness, makes the simulation too easy, and teaches you a bad strategy, that is only of real use on the moons of the Vampire-world of High-Drebloon. And if you get posted there, you will likely lose anyway, because the inhabitants are real suckers for blood. Unless you are a cold-blooded son of a bitch, that is. That hell-hole is the greatest devourer of students yet devised apart from frat-parties.
What should I do now?
Fire up the simulator and get to it. If you want to share your experience, write a report entitled WCfD Class of 02: <My stupid title> where your stupid title should include a reference to either your spirit animal or your country. Or both. E.g. "WCfD Class of 02: The Poodle of Oman", or "WCfD Class of 02: The Wurzberg Wussies", or "WCfD Class of 02: The World-Wide-Wlak", or something. You get the idea. Any reporting style is accepted, as is any and all abuse of puppets. It is advised that you listen closely to your spirit guide, though not a requirement.
Upon completion of your report, request a posting from the Teacher.
I square bracket your name square bracket, being a student of World Conquest in possession of my wits, health, and a considerable portion of money, do hereby pledge my word that the following questions will be answered to the best of my ability (small though it may be). I renounce any insurance claim on the most enlightened teacher, who has taught me all I needed to know, due to bopping, chopping, crunching, grabbing, slamming, thumping, whacking, whapping, or accidental or premeditated teacher inflicted grevious bodily harm. Neither shall I complain, when I notice the black marks I have earned through stupidity, be it hereditary or earned.
The examination consists of two (2) parts.
The first is a multiple choice questionaire. You must answer each of the following thirteen (13) questions as honestly as possible.
1. Which of the following statements most clearly reflects your style?
A) I just annexed Orleans
B) I need more diplomats for annexing
C) Bwhahahahahahahahahaaaha!
2. Which is your preferred annexation style?
A) The Way of the Dove: Careful diplomatic annexation of multiple nations following decades of vassalisation
B) The Zen Thingy: Diplomatic annexation occasionally, but usually military annexation
C) The Way of the Conqueror: Why waste money on diplomacy when you can buy troops?
3. How do you feel about friendly casualties?
A) I try to minimize them for humanitarian reasons
B) Standing in blood to my knees keeps my boots polished, or at leastred
C) Friends? What are you talking about?
4. Which of the following most clearly reflects your relations with your neighbours?
A) I like to carefully maintain good relations with my neighbours
B) I like to carefully maintain good relations with my neighbours, while adventuring abroad
C) Neighbours?
5. How are your opinions regarding the support limit?
A) I carefully keep my army below the support limit, to save money for worthier causes
B) I let my armysize break the support limit when needed, after a careful consideration of the consequences
C) With enough troops, nobody dares bitch about the support limit anyhow
6. Which of the following is closest to your opinion on rebels and revolts?
A) I fear rebels. I will maintain a vigilant watch while nationalism declines in my provinces. I will pause my conquests if certain areas consistently show positive revolt risk, until I have converted them or reduced the revolt risk by other means
B) I dislike rebels, but I will not let them stop me. Nevertheless, when I get more than ten revolts per month, I immediately stop any and all wars to focus on the rebel problem.
C) Who cares? If God had meant for rebels to succeed, he would have given them more cavalry
7. How challenging nations do you prefer to control in the simulation?
A) A major major, like Castile/Spain, France, the Ottomans, or Muscovy/Russia
B) A major, like Denmark, Portugal, or Venice
C) Timurids, Tibet, or other interesting countries
8. How do you go about exploiting the simulation
A) I will use every single exploit, no matter how scummy or unrealistic, and expect it to work when I receive my posting
B) I shall not loanshark, nor shall I artificially reduce my badboy rating
C) Who needs exploits when he can use cavalry?
9. What is your opinion on freedom of speech
A) A fundamental right of every man, woman, and peasant
B) Nice, so long as people don't critize me
C) Who cares? You are all serfs, do you hear me. Serfs! Serfs! Serfs!
10. How much innovativeness will you tolerate
A) A lot. Innovation is the mother of progress, and we are all individuals
B) A bit. Innovation is the mother of progress, but we need those missionaries
C) None. Innovation is the mother of revolts, and while I am an individual, you are all narrowly focused drones slaving your lives away to support the empire
11. How do you deal with inflation?
A) I never rack up any inflation due to my superior economic skills. I balance my budget even if it means delaying conquests, in order to avoid inflation
B) A little inflation never harmed anyone, if it was incurred in a good cause
C) 100% and counting
12. How is your attitude towards religious conversion
A) Freedom of religion. I won't impose my views on an unsuspecting populace
B) They can have any religion they want, so long as it is mine
C) Convert. CONVERT!. CONVERT!!
13. Against stupidity the Gods themselves contend in vain
A) Describes my playing style to a T. Or possibly a Y.
B) Is that a trick question?
C) But then, the Gods didn't conquer the world, did they? What a bunch of losers.
Scoring:
Now, for each A) answer, score 5 points. For each B) answer, score 10) and for each C) answer, score 20) points.
Several students have managed to excel during lessons, and even more students have commited acts of incredible stupidity. Remember, the only thing worse than being ignored by the Teacher is to be noticed.
Should you find your name on the following list, modify your score as indicated.
Avocado Aguila : -5 points
+5 (tried to warn the Teacher of Poland and Lithuania)
-10 (but why should those two nations scare anybody?)
Carligula : +10 points
+5 (made eminently sensible, though trivial, suggestions)
+5 (took off a nonexistent hat - that never fails to impress)
Carolus Rex: -50 points
-35 (constantly aggravated the Teacher)
-20 (survived corporal punishment)
+10 (constantly aggravated the other students)
+5 (finally received a fitting nickname, Carlos "the Rubberduck" Rex)
-20 (lobbed Lionheart's ass at the Teacher)
+10 (and succeeded in avoiding retribution for the deed)
+10 (attempted to extract lunch money from Ehrie using the threat of nuclear weapons, despite lacking the technology to build them)
-5 (put glue on the Teacher's seat)
-5 (remembered to collect his liver)
CesareB: +20 points
-5 (advocated being careful about annexing capitals)
+10 (advocated conquering provinces based on alphabetical selection. Especially k's and c's.)
+5 (did homework)
+10 (realised the inevitability of the Teacher's success)
Dan Cook: +0 points
-5 (whined about Sharur's staring at him)
-5 (was confused by the Teacher's syntax)
-10 (was not impressed by the Teacher's feeble conquests. And attempted to employ irony, repeatedly)
+15 (suggested that the Teacher's absence was due to alcohol)
-5 (fiddled with the simulator)
+5 (accused Carolus of loving to cheat)
+5 (and was right, too)
Daniel A: +15 points
+15 (humbly adressed the Teacher as Master)
Dustman: +10 points
-5 (brought club to class)
-5 (terrorised Lionheart)
+20 (but once confiscated, the club was a very useful educational device)
-5 (brought axe to class)
+10 (had one of the weirdest soliloquys heard in a long, long, time)
-5 (thumped Maur13 during class)
Dyrlac: +5 points
-5 (began the whole resetting inflation discussion)
+10 (and did a credible Hojo Bubu-junior impersonation)
Edgar Francis I: -15 points
-15 (suggested it was "I Am a Glutton For Punishment 204" class)
Ehrie: -15 points
-5 (overextended himself as Byzantium and quoted Confuscius)
+10 (asked for help to overcome aforementioned deficiencies)
-5 (noticed the Teacher's Castilian/Castilan slip of the tongue)
-10 (and reported it, loudly)
+5 (survived dehydration)
-10 (was frightened when Carolus Rex began building nuclear weapons)
Faeelin: +5 points
+5 (did a credible impersonation of King Henry)
FrosT37: +5 points
+5 (claimed Teacher was crazy)
G'Kar: -10 points
+5 (wishing Teacher good luck)
-5 (suggesting it might be needed)
+5 (read textbook)
-5 (copied homework in a desperate attempt to make up for missing lessons. Attempted to frame Lionheart together with Rictus)
-5 (suggested the Teacher had failed)
+5 (was impressed by the appointment of 200 governors)
-10 (but ought not to have been if he had been observing the situation closely)
Grunthex: +0 points
-5 (took the course to avoid homework)
+5 (was amused by Carolus Rex lack of fashion)
Hanseatic Steve: +5 points
+5 (transferred in, belatedly, and shut up)
Heagarty: -10 points
-5 (lied about passing the Maths for Megalomaniacs couse)
+10 (was on a football scholarship, so allowance was made for abject idiocy)
-5 (expected to have a really smart girl assigned to do his homework - not even a football scholarship can excuse such idiocy)
-10 (failed to solve the mystery of the Asshurling incident)
-10 (lobbed a concrete Donkey at the simulator)
+15 (forgot to collect his head after class)
-5 (had problems with conversions)
Kurtbrian: -5 points
-5 (failed lurker)
Legolas; +10 points
+5 (attempted World Conquest with Saxony)
+10 (kicked Carolus)
-5 (pestered Teacher)
-5 (distracted Teacher during a meteor shower)
+5 (showed genuine interest in the exam program)
Lionheart: -10 points
-10 (suggested cheating)
+5 (lost his ass)
-5 (had problems playing Portugal)
-10 (spilled blood on his books following the premature impact of Dustman's club on his head)
+10 (foiled Rictus' and G'kar's evil plans)
Lord Joseph: +10 points
+20 (attacked Marirosa for loansharking suggestion)
-5 (failed lurker)
-5 (slept in class)
Lt. Tyler: -5 points
-5 (pretended to be cool, but failed)
Mammut: +10 points
+10 (escaped from the mental hospital to join the class in the nick of time)
Marirosa: -15 points
-5 (had a hard time spotting irony)
+10 (but realised that students were, by definition, dummies)
-20 (suggested loansharking despite this not being the deranged gnome-world of New Zürich)
Maur13: -35 points
+10 (confused the inflation issue)
-30 (outperformed the Teacher)
-15 (bled in the simulator following being thumped by Dustman during class, causing several nasty random events)
Mimir: -20 points
+5 (suggested Aztec)
-20 (survived repeated corporal punishments)
-5 (had problems with the core provinces concept)
MrT: -40 points
-5 (confused as to the colour of Trebizond)
+10 (sucked up to Teacher)
+10 (did homework)
+5 (knew a substantially different approach to World Conquest)
-25 (but dared to state so during class, thereby undermining the Teacher's authority)
-5 (whispered in class)
+5 (noticed the Siedenbürgen/Siebenbürgen error)
-35 (and suggested it was caused by brain damage resulting from a stroke)
Norgesvenn: -15 points
+10 (claimed Teacher was a lunatic)
+5 (kept spamming with bad jokes)
-5 (wasted Teacher's valuable time with bad jokes)
-20 (survived repeated corporal punishments)
-5 (lied about taking the Maths for Megalomaniacs course)
Prufrock451: +10 points
-5 (believed Orleans to be ROTW)
+15 (prepared an excellent jerky from some of the weaker students and did many other useful and innovative things besides)
Rictus: -5 points
-5 (ran out on first lesson)
-5 (couldn't hold his water, so to speak, but we've all passed a lot of water since then)
+15 (managed not to shit himself despite tremendous provocation)
-10 (attempted to frame Lionheart together with G'Kar, but failed)
Sharur: -20 points
+10 (suggested Orleans or Zimbabwe)
-5 (stared at Dan Cook)
-10 (didn't like being labeled a dummy - was labeled student instead)
-5 (was proud that he had managed to annex Orleans)
-5 (was a glutton for punishment)
-5 (was proud that he had managed to annex Wurzburg)
Slayzer2: -10 points
-10 (had problems playing Hannover)
Soulitaire: +5 points
+5 (claimed the concept was interesting - and then shut up. Nothing like an engaged student)
Storey: -15 points
+5 (confused the inflation issue)
-5 (snickered loudly enough to be noticed. Bad move)
-5 (slept and snored)
-10 (called the Teacher a loser. Bad move. Really bad move)
USA patriot: +5 points
+5 (sucked up to Teacher)
Wasa: -20 points
-20 (was terminally late for classes)
+5 (but did read the textbook)
-5 (managed to overextend himself playing Ak Koyunlu)
ws2_32: +5 points
+5 (performed a calculation or two)
Wulfram: +10 points
+10 (claimed Teacher was a lunatic, twice)
Wyvern: +5 points
+5 (braved the Teacher's wrath asking about Tax Collectors)
Find your result in the table below
Given your score a spirit guide and a practical assignment will be meted out.
I scored less than 25 points
Being able to score less than the calculated minimum, you are the ultimate washout. Your spirit guide is a fluffy teddy bear, which died of fright the first time you received a DOW. You are advised to follow the class Pacifism for Pacemakers, rather than wasting your time, and others', on the noble art of World Conquest.
I scored 26-75 points
Your spirit guide is a fluffy teddy bear with big sad eyes. Listen carefully to its warnings, for it will undoubtedly have a better sense of danger than you. Your assignment is the major nation of your choice, and you are advised to loanshark, retake/release core provinces, and, in general, use each and every single exploit possible, or you will fail miserably. You will, of course, be horribly slaughtered on your first real assignment, but those are the breaks.
I scored 76-100 points
Your spirit guide is a rabbit. While it may be scared and end up in the stew, it has quick reflexes. You will need them to survive. Your assignment is the peaceful semi-major of your choice, like Bohemia, Denmark, Sweden, or Venice, and given your abject cowardice, you should use every exploit possible, in order to survive, and win. If you manage to limit your exploits, you may even stand a chance of survival (5% range) once you are transferred to your first pre-training mission, but don't count on it. The meek don't inherit the world until everybody else is dead, remember?
I scored 101-130 points
Your spirit guide is a poodle. Cute, kickable, and low-flying, but in the end, useless. Your assignment is the non-horde, non-Ottoman, and non-Timurid Shiite or Sunni nation of your choice. You will refrain from most exploits, and especially the retaking/releasing of core provinces to artificially lose BB points. You will likely be killed gloriously in a blaze of incompetence once you get into the field, in the tradition of so many other dummies.
I scored 131-160 points
Your spirit guide is a Cuckoo. Your assignment is Helvetia. You will base your conquest on loansharking, rejecting all other exploits. It is your dearest hope to be posted to the deranged Gnome-world of New Zürich. Unfortunately, you will most likely be posted somewhere else, and easten by something nastier than yourself.
I scored 161-200 points
Your spirit guide is an Eagle. Your assignment is the German one-province minor of your choice. You will refrain from exploits and base your campaign on blood and iron, and a slight bit of diplomacy to unite some of the other German minors. Your chances of success in your chosen profession is slight, but since when the the threat of imminent demise, disembowelment, and decapacitation stop a would-be conqueror?
I scored 201-225 points
Your spirit guide is a Wlak. While plodding, its might is unrivalled, and it will be of great use to you on your assignment to Nippon, as you balance outwards expansion with rebellions at home. Naturally, you will refrain from exploits. You will likely fail gloriously when you are finally dropped on your first real world to conquer, since it will work by slightly different rules than you are used to, but you will come close to succeeding.
I scored 226-250 points
Your spirit guide is a Dragon. Your assignment is the Golden Horde, The Timurid Empire, or the Aztec Empire. You will refrain from all exploits, and revel in the fact that you have been given the chance to excel. You will likely be a well-known WC'er a few centuries from now.
I scored 251-280 points
Your spirit guide is a transcended Teacher, and while you heed his advice, you don't really need it, as you boldly bestride the stage of the world, and direct your armies to conquest. You will glory in your nearly supernatural abilities, shrug off rebellions, and laugh in the face of adversity, as you guide the Chimu, Mataram or Tibet to glory! Refraining from all exploits, you will impose stricter rules on your own behaviour to make it harder for you to succeed, secure in the knowledge that it will stand you in good stead, when the time for the real wars begin.
I score 281 points, or even more!
Your spirit guide is a Dove - and you've eaten it, dummy. Cheating on exams led by the Teacher is not the smartest of moves, as I am sure my friends, Uncle Club and Uncle Axe, will teach you shortly. Please step out of my office so I can avoid bloodstains on my carpet.
None of the above
I told you to take the Math for Megalomaniacs course, dummy!
Simulator difficulty level:
The simulator should be set to very hard at all times. The aggression should be set to the setting you expect to make it hardest for you to succeed. Note that a too low aggression will make you nearly invulnerable until you reveal yourself and kick off the BB wars, so should be avoided at all costs.
But I want another nation. Wah!
Then do so. Apart from possible mutilation, death, and dishonour, there is nothing wrong in choosing a different nation for your practical assignment.
What is an exploit?
Basically anything the Teacher doesn't like for completely subjective reasons. These include, but are not limited to:
Reloading because things don't work out as you want them to: BANNED!
Encouraging a simulator CTD forcing you to reload a previously saved, and incidentally better, situation: BANNED!
Loansharking: the simulator is a sucker for a loan.
Retaking/losing core provinces: artificially lowers BB and is of no use once you are in the field. Banned.
Bankruptcy: while a few bankruptcies show a healthy economy, repeating it beyond three or four on purpose is silly.
Systematized looting over several years: exploits a simulator weakness because the owning nation still gains money to pay you off, while you get most of the benefits of its monthly income, and none of the problems. Acceptable if used rarely.
Leaving troops on foreign soil after war end without a legal excuse: unless it is because you have no way to extract them, this is exploiting a simulator weakness. If you've got military access there is no problem, of course.
Intentional turbo-annexing: exploits an AI weakness, makes the simulation too easy, and teaches you a bad strategy, that is only of real use on the moons of the Vampire-world of High-Drebloon. And if you get posted there, you will likely lose anyway, because the inhabitants are real suckers for blood. Unless you are a cold-blooded son of a bitch, that is. That hell-hole is the greatest devourer of students yet devised apart from frat-parties.
What should I do now?
Fire up the simulator and get to it. If you want to share your experience, write a report entitled WCfD Class of 02: <My stupid title> where your stupid title should include a reference to either your spirit animal or your country. Or both. E.g. "WCfD Class of 02: The Poodle of Oman", or "WCfD Class of 02: The Wurzberg Wussies", or "WCfD Class of 02: The World-Wide-Wlak", or something. You get the idea. Any reporting style is accepted, as is any and all abuse of puppets. It is advised that you listen closely to your spirit guide, though not a requirement.
Upon completion of your report, request a posting from the Teacher.
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