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Crusader Kings 2 - The Road of Queens
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Four : Vegan - Part Two : Important Decisions
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Four : Vegan - Part Two : Important Decisions
“So, the first thing Vegan had to do,” stated Joxer as he stroked the strings of his lute, “was to pick the members of his Council.”
“Good luck with that,” grumbled the Empress as she drained her second pint of beer. “The Vassals are either too greedy or too stupid or too disloyal. Am I right folks?”
Many of the members of the Imperial Court cringed while Council Members glared at the Empress over their plates of food and glasses of wine.
“The first member to be picked was Gundahar of the Greenholm House, a Loyal Courtier, who was made the Party Master,” continued Joxer. “Think of him as the Emissary.”
“The next member was to be his Marshal,” added the Bard. “So he selected Adelard of the Greenholm House. Whose official title was Bound Master. Also a Loyal Courtier.”
“The next member was Dinodas who was given the title of Markert Master and Filibert who was given the title Study Master,” said the Bard. “Both Loyal Courtiers.”
“Then the Loremaster,” stated Joxer, “was Hugo who was also Loyal and given the official title Matho Master.”
“All the members were Loyal and very skilled at their position,” he added with a smile.
“All were Loyal?” remarked the Empress with a snort. “What was the problem with them all?”
“Well…they were all from the same House,” commented Joxer the Bard, “and it could be they strong-armed or blackmailed their way into controlling the Council. Remember Vegan was kind of stupid and may NOT have realized that the House of Greenholm was trying to take control of the lands THEY once ruled. It was called Greenholm after all.”
“I knew you can’t trust Council Members!” the Empress exclaimed as she poured herself another pint. A few Members of the Imperial Council pouted and started fingering their butter knives.
“Yes, well,” said Joxer who noticed what was happening around because, as a Bard, he was trained kept an eye on the audience’s reactions to his tales. So as he continued his tale he marked all the easy to reach exits.
“The Party Master was assigned to shake hands and buy rounds of drinks at the local pubs,” he continued, “in other words to perform statecraft with the Landlords and Farmers and Shop owners.”
“The Bond Master was sent to organize the Army,” he added, “while the Market Master was told to run the realm.”
“The Study Master was ordered to uncover any plots that might endanger the Ruler or his foodstuffs,” Joxer said with a wink, “while the Matho Master was told to search for ancient relics. Within the Realm.”
“Were there a lot of ancient relics in the Realm?” asked the semi-drunk Empress.
“In Middle-Earth?” said Joxer with a snort. “You can’t turn over a rock without finding a ring of invisibility, a cape of camouflage, a sword of burning, a bag of never ending rodents. Name it and you’ll likely find it in your shoe in the morning.”
“oh….”
“Where was I? Oh yes, now he had to select a wife,” commented the Joxer with a nod of his head. “Now, you would think the many members of this Council would get him to marry within their House. But nobody in the House of Greenholm wanted to marry such a….er…catch.”
The Empress chuckled.
“So he had to go to the House of Maggot to find a bride,” he added.
“Maggot?”
“Yeah,” the Bard responded. “And he found one. Name of Jessamine Daughter of Tosco. Of the County of Marish. Which was kind of weird. As there was at least ONE Princess of the Shire who was willing to marry him. But maybe he had issues with Royalty? Or maybe he had a issue with the House of Took? Or maybe he felt she was too old?”
“Either way it looked like everybody would be happy with the marriage,” Joxer pointed out. “AND, not only was she older, but it looked like she was also on the Lusty side.”
He winked at the Empress.
She just hicupped.
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Vegan of House Burrito is joined to a princess of House Maggot: what could go wrong?
(Apologies. Somehow King Þorolfr has gotten loose in this thread. I'll shoo him back to the Viking AAR where he belongs....)
(Apologies. Somehow King Þorolfr has gotten loose in this thread. I'll shoo him back to the Viking AAR where he belongs....)
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Hopefully, the Empress has a dry-cleaner on retainer for refurbishing capes. Is Vegan a member of PETA (people eating tasty animals)? Vegan has five council-members, each with an opinion of 100, the Empress is lucky to have five add up to 50 after large bribes. Thanks
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Crusader Kings 2 - The Road of Queens
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Five : Vegan - Part Three : Minor Decisions And Minor Confusion
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Five : Vegan - Part Three : Minor Decisions And Minor Confusion
“Of course leadership wasn’t just picking your future wife or deciding who your Council Members were,” pointed out Joxer as he played his lute.
“Nope,” remarked the Empress as she started on a fresh pint of beer. “You also have to pick out Minor Titles and what gifts to sent to people to bribe them. Stupid Vassals.”
“Yes, indeed,” remarked the Bard. “There was, for example, picking on what you planned to focus on. And Vegan wanted to be a Man of Mystery!”
“What now?”
“He decided to focus on Intrigue. Learning about the dagger and the bottle of poison,” the Bard said with a knowing nod.
“Oh yes,” said the Empress with a happy smile. “I have a dagger. Passed down from parent to offspring. Sharp.”
“Yeah,” replied the Bard before continuing. “Anyway, he also decided to keep the peace for at least five years.”
“The Council agreed with this as this would allow the Realm to prosper and increase the treasury,” he added.
“You need money to make money,” stated the Empress into her empty pint. “And to hire the thugs to kill people.”
“Okay,” said the Bard looking a tad uncomfortable. “Now for the Minor Titles that needed to be passed out to those with the skills and, of course, high opinions of their liege.”
“The first, and most important, position that needed to be fill was the Designated Regent which went to his Market Master, Dinodas of MerryFlower,” stated Joxer.
“So the Council Members are already pulling strings to get the Minor Titles I see,” commented the Empress as she refilled her pint. “Wait…I thought he was Greenholm?”
“Not really,” remarked the Bard. “Vegan kind of picked people based on how skilled their were for the job without thinking about how some of them would use those positions for their own greedy ends. Well, he was a Courtier of Greenholm and his House was MerryFlower. One was the Realm and one was his House. Maybe. The records are not as complete as I would like.”
“I forgot how *hiccup* eh…how stupid the Vegan guy was…” She looked confused for a second. “So…none of the Councilors were of the House Greenholm.”
“Well…no, they were just likely Courtiers of Greenholm.” Joxer stroked the strings of his lute. “Like I said the records are not as detailed as I would like. Though, the Party Master may have been of the House Greenholm.”
“Records? I thought you were making up stuff? Is it a House or a Realm?”
“Yes, indeed,” continued the Bard totally dismissing her last question. “Then there was the Personal Guards and the Court Physician. But there was nobody available in the Court to fill those positions. But the Master of the Horse was given to a Courtier Fredegar. Who seemed to be ugly and Houseless.”
“Then the Master of the Hunt was given to a Commander named Filibert of Adalbert,” said the Bard. “Not to be confused with Filibert the Study Master.”
The Empress just snorted into her beer. And in doing so almost choked.
The Bard sighed and continued with his tale. “The Title of Cupbear was given to Dinodas Merryflower who, may indeed, have been trying to collect as many titles as he could to gather power.”
“And the Court Tutor was given to Poppy,” said the Bard. “A female Courtier of the House Chubb-Baggins.”
“And the Commanders?” asked the Empress as she slowly blinked and yawned. “Surely he has a military?”
“Of course,” said the Bard. “Two Commanders….”
He would have said more but she had fallen asleep. Joxer the Bard decided to call it a day and waved to the audience.
“Be back tomorrow folks!” he proclaimed as he grabbed a bottle of wine and a platter of meat pies to have as his dinner before he retreated to the guest bedroom he had been assigned.
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Very much enjoying your story within a story concept. I would say more but this guy is back... and he creeps me out.
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Sunflower had an excellent run of more than four months. That was some bard. This makes the duck joke even funnier. We'll see if the new bard matches up.
As someone who has joined the story late and in progress, thanks for the link to give context. And the favorite part...
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Crusader Kings 2 - The Road of Queens
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Six : Vegan - Part Four : The Surrounding Landscape
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Six : Vegan - Part Four : The Surrounding Landscape
Joxer walked into the Throne Room the next morning after a bath and shave, breaking his fast, and tuning his lute.
Most of the Courtiers, Guests, and Council Members seemed to be recovering from hang-overs. Including the Empress who was trying to eat a small meal of warm porridge and a cup of almond milk.
“Greeting oh Great Basilissa Eulalia of Maurya!” he stated as he plucked his lute. “And now let me explain a little about the lands around Greenholm!”
“For Vegan was encircled by friends, enemies, and other….” he added with a smile.
“First and, to be honest, the most important was the Shire which was ruled by the Thain Paldin II of the House of Took,” the Bard pointed out. “At least the Thain liked Vegan.”
“Then there was Lord Arveleg of the Undertown,” continued the Bard. “A human of the Numenorean Race. A human race with a longer life span. And he….hated Vegan.”
“Racist?” inquired the Empress.
“Hard to say….”
The Bard strummed his lute and moved on.
“Then there was Heru of Tower Hills,” he said with a frown. “That is harder to explain...but they HATED Vegan.”
“They? Who were they? And were they also racist?”
“Heru lived in the Towers built by the Elves during the Second Age,” stated Joxer. “Just go with it.”
“Then there was Lord Agerwaen of East Luneland who was also of the Numenorean Blood,” said Joxer.
“Who was also a racist jerk?” commented the Empress.
“Well, he did hate Vegan, yes,” he remarked. “But there is a lot more to the Blood Line than that.”
“Is there?”
“Well….let me continue.”
“Let me guess,” responded the Empress, “the next Ruler is of Numenorean Blood who hates Vegan?”
“Well, yes,” replied Joxer with a frown. “Lord Ulrad of Tarmear.”
“He is so doomed,” stated the Empress as she finished her milk.
“Yes, he realized that,” said the Bard. “Well, his Council figured it out and tried to ally the Realm with the Shire. But it was turned down.”
Then Joxer played his lute for a few minutes as the Imperial Court finished their morning meal and switched to harder drinks. He collected his thoughts and prepared to continue the tale. And hoped the Empress shared some of her booze to keep his throat wet.
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(Jarl Alfr "Irongrip" af Vendel from the neighboring AAR offers Joxer a Norse ale that he's brought over, but he's not sure Joxer will be able to drink it. Would that be breaking the fourth wall? Or another type of wall? Does it matter after a certain number of Norse ales?)
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Guest appearances are wonderful. Fee, fie, fum, I smell Hobbit breakfast. Thanks
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Crusader Kings 2 - The Road of Queens
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Seven : Vegan - Part Five : Wrong Character?
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Seven : Vegan - Part Five : Wrong Character?
Joxer plucked his lute until he had the attention of the crowd before continuing. It had been a very special skill he had learned at the Athens School of Bards. He could pluck the strings in just the right way to annoy the listener and force them to look in his direction when he wanted them to.
“As Vegan settled down to rule his Realm he received news from the south,” Joxer said. “Seems Theodred, son and heir to King Theoden, Ruler of Rohan, had died.”
“Who?” asked the Empress as she started on her first glass of wine for the morning.
“Theodred, son of Theoden, of Rohan. He died in battle and was the King’s only son. The King, sadly, was bedridden The Riders of Rohan were known as the best horsemen in Middle Earth and their horses-”
“What ever,” said the Empress as she cut him off. “Get on with it.”
“Yes, well, Vegan had more important things to worry about,” Joxer said with a glare at the Empress. “For his wife to be had arrived. Her father had agreed to the marriage.”
“He, of course, paid for the wedding because he knew people respected wealth,” he added.
“Damn right they do!” shouted the Empress after draining her glass and demanding a refill. “People love gold. Gold. GOLD!”
Joxer sighed. “He gave his new wife a small gift of coin to help increase her loving feeling for him.
“At least it improved her opinion of him,” Joxer added with a shrug and a strum of his lute.
"GOLD!"
“Then it became known that the Gray Wander, Gandalf the Gray, a powerful wizard, well more of a angel, had found the ONE RING!” proclaimed the Bard.
“Wait, wait, wait,” murmured the Empress. “Are we missing something? Are we following a minor character?”
“What? No. Vegan is the main character,” said Joxer with a dismissive gesture of his lute.
“Are you sure?” asked the Empress with a frown. “Seems the important stuff is happening elsewhere."
“No, no, no,” replied Joxer. “Vegan is the main character. Everything else is a unimportant sidequest.”
“What is sidequest?” inquired the Empress.
“Never you mind!” said Joxer. “Drink your wine!”
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Joxer needs to mind his manners. The Empress could always use bait for her next tiger hunt. Rumor has it that bards are not hard to digest by tigers. Thanks
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(Suspicions are aroused as to who may have actually sent Joxer to this gig to entertain the Empress.)
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Crusader Kings 2 - The Road of Queens
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Eight : Vegan - Part Six : Breeland
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Eight : Vegan - Part Six : Breeland
Joxer played the lute for a few moments before continuing.
“Vegan decided to rename the town he lived in to Burritoville,” the Bard stated with a stroking of the strings of his lute.
“Oh…interesting idea,” remarked the Empress.
“Then there was news from Breeland. Well, the town of Bree,” explained Joxer. “Bree was where Hobbits and the Big Folk, men, lived together. There Dark Figures attacked the Pancing Pony. They were after some Hobbits. Important Hobbits. It seemed that Frodo, and his friends, had the ONE RING!”
“So? What is the One Ring?” asked the Empress as she sipped her glass of wine. “And who is Dodo?:
“Frodo. And I am glade you asked,” said Joxer with a excited voice. “In the Second Age of Middle Earth-”
“No, no, no,” begged the Empress, “I withdraw the question.”
“-then he forged three rings for the Elves-”
“I said stop!”
“Oh…okay,” mumbled Joxer. “Let’s go on with the story.”
Joxer strokes the strings of his lute and said, “So, with the One Ring in danger Elrond, a very old and wise Elf Lord organized a group, called the Fellowship of the Ring to destroy it. It was made up of one human Ranger from the north, a elf from the woods, a dwarf from the mines, a human from Gondor, and four Hobbits. Oh, and the Gray Wander.”
“Oh Buddha,” sighed the Empress. “We ARE following the wrong character.”
“No, no,” responded the Bard. “We’re following the RIGHT person.”
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Middle Earth mod. I think it is no longer being worked on but it still seems to work. As long as you don't play it too long.
(Even though this character creeps me out, he is likely the one the Empress would prefer Joxer sing about.)
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Crusader Kings 2 - The Road of Queens
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Eight : Vegan - Part Seven : WAR!
Chapter One Thousand-Seventy-Eight : Vegan - Part Seven : WAR!
Joxer plucked at the strings of his lute. He watched the crowd choke down roast piglet and drain their mugs of chilled wine. He wondered when they would start throwing things at him? That was the one flaw of being prepaid. He couldn’t just walk out at this point.
“It seems the Fellowship had decided to travel through the mines of Moria, though it was really a vast city made by the Dwarfs, who had lost it to the orcs, then regained it, then lost it again,” explained the Bard. “There the Fellowship ran into a Demon of fire called-”
“Don’t care!” The Empress grabbed a platter of roast chicken from a passing Servant. “Get on with it!”
“It seems, after the Fellowship escaped the mines, minus their Wizard, they were then attacked and Boromir was killed-”
“Who?” demanded the Empress.
“He was the man from Gondor, from the White Tower, a great warrior,” answered the Bard.
“Oh, one of the minor characters, was he?” remarked the Empress.
“He was an important character,” pointed out the Bard. “Very important to the story.”
“Then why is he dead?”
“Eh…”
“Anyway, the Fellowship had been broken and three of the warriors were now chasing the Uruks. For the enemy had captured some of the Hobbits and were heading towards Isengard,” continued the Bard. “For the White Wizard wanted the One Ring and-”
“So the sidequest is over,” stated the Empress with a smile. “Can we get back to the main story?”
“It ISN’T a sidequest,” exclaimed the Bard. “And it isn’t over…not really. It is all one story. And it is not a sidequest.”
“Because, you see, there was more news from the south,” said the Bard. “More Uruk hai had poured out of the Walls of Isengard and covered the lands of Rohan!”
“Uruk what now? What ARE they?” said the Empress as she refilled her glass of wine.
“Creatures bred from orcs and men,” responded the Bard. “So that they could move during the day. You see normal orcs, sometimes also called goblins, hated the sunlight-”
“No, no more backstory,” stated the Empress. “Just get on with the story.”
“Okay, okay. Anyway, a few months later Theoden was restored back to health,” remarked the Bard.
“So, the King of the horse people was sick and NOW recovers just in time to fight the bad guys?” asked the Empress. “What timing.”
“And with the bad guys…I mean uruk hai approaching he decided to retreat to Helm’s Deep,” remarked the Bard who ignored the Empress’s words. “A fortress at the end of a valley.”
“So a dead end,” commented the Empress with a shake of her head. “He is also doomed.”
“Must everything be doom or gloom with you?” demanded the Bard with a shake of his own head.
“No,” she replied. “I am just being realistic.”
“Anyway, it seemed that a war had broken out between Lord Saruman of Isengard and his ally, the High Chief of Dunland, against the men of Rohan. And their own allies the Rulers of the Forest of Fangorn. The Shepherds of the trees.”
“Shepherds?” responded the Empress. “Some allies.”
“Well, they were giant living creatures who looked like trees,” remarked the Bard. “It is said that trolls are nothing but copies-”
“No backstory!” said the Empress as she slammed her fist on the table holding her food and drink. “No addition information!”
“Funny enough,” continued the Bard, “the High Chief of Dunland had become a prisoner of the Shepherds. So the war was already going against Lord Saruman.”
The Empress just sighed and chewed on a roast chicken.
“And the Rohan had a strong ally in the form of Tar-Galadriel of Lothlorien,” added the Bard. “A Lady Elf of great power. But…she was involved in a total of four wars at the time. So the darkness was trying to overwhelm the light-”
“So, she doomed too, eh?” commented the Empress. “This story seems to be about decay and decline. All about doom and gloom.”
The Bard opened his mouth, closed his mouth, and shrugged.
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